Brendon Burns
@brendonburns
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Following
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Comedian. Producer. Director. Data satirist. Mischief maker 😉
60kms North of paradise.
Joined January 2010
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Just to give you an idea of the venue I’m playing tonight
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Finally! Tomorrow.
Pts 1,2 and 3 End game w
@ta10da
will be up next week now instead. Brace yourselves. It gets a bit trippy
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46 yr old twitter behaviour 101:Got followed by
@ShinobiNinja
and went, "who the hell is that?" Saw they're a cool Brooklyn band (Like Eels but w upbeat rapping) w 1million followers and actually thought,
"Oh wow? Am I cool again?"
Then saw they were following 1.6million
#oldB
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Hurrah! I definitely don't have nutcancer! More on tomorrow's pod. Slept for nine hours solid last night... Had no idea how much it was freaking me out.
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All these dead icons and Trump's gonna be pres? C'mon, admit it. There's an extinction event coming and these folks are all on a spaceship
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How is anyone shitting on this? This bloke's a superhero
Teacher has unique handshakes with each student. "It was just one or two students and then it became contagious.”
1K
62K
106K
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I fuck'n love this. This is why I always say
@ColtCabana
's the
@AndyKindler
and
#stewartlee
of pro-wrestling. You kinda need to know the rule he's breaking in order to get it. He takes a trope and, in this case, quite literally makes a right turn.
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Nuttall: "I've not changed my mind on anything ever" Erm that's not a positive character trait mate
#BBCDebate
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Mass shootings and now we're bombing Syria... so there's water on Mars is there? I'm off
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I gotta go back to rehab. Embarrassing to ask. Every single share and donation makes a difference.
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Hey do me a solid and retweet that I will follow back and retweet any space apes
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Brand new special "Selfies in the Grand Canyon" is up now and totally free on youtube folks. Please like, share...
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Thank you all so much. I handed in my devices. So I'll only post intermittent updates. I'm over a week sober including the internet until now. We've nearly reached the target in my absence.. 3/4of the way to target
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@MattBinder
@MattWalshBlog
C'mon. You just got so fantastically served that it's gone viral. You should probably leave at least a 20% tip.
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Hey
@cher
Come out of retirement and mount a gun that shoots
@DougStanhope
's book out your pussy at sailors
#turnbacktimeoutyourpussy
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"I never actually had implants. Brie had her's reduced just to make me look shallow"
#GrowingUpBella
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@palmreaderrecs
@Herring1967
straight white men unite "What do we want?" "Everything" "WE got it!" "Never mind"
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I gotta go back to rehab. This shit sucks. I did my level best. Sorry.
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So anyone off to
#RAWAfterMania
tonight. I dare you to get any of the following chants going,
- "Employ-ee sta-tus" clap clap clap clap clap"
-In-dy in-dy in-dy in-dy con-tracts con-tracts (tune of "Ole, Ole etc...)
-"Un-ion's rock a-un-ion's rock"
-"We want sick leave"
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#AskTrump
How do you manage to come off so smug while retaining the face of a sad clown?
http://t.co/kh1O1tIZNj
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#Weinstein
: I was brought up in the 60's
Me: In the outback I used to shit outside. Still never made a stranger watch me cum on a pot plant
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Come back Liverpool. All is forgiven
Stand-up comedian
@brendonburns
defends why Australia shouldn't celebrate Australia Day.
#BTeam
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.
@realDonaldTrump
no ban on Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Turkey or Afghanistan? Where extremists actually come from? Ohhhh you have hotels there
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*****NEWS!!!*****
**MY TONSILLITIS HAS SUBSIDED AND I CAN SPEAK!**
**MANSPLAININ' AND BAD WRESTLING ARE BACK ON!!**
Manspalinin' Tonight and every night til the end
8pm BOTECO DO BRASIL Edinburgh
11pm...
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Funniest bloke ever, if you like
@DougStanhope
you'll love
@JimNorton
Wish I could go
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Oh shit! Sydney! Check out my boy
@bertkreischer
!
TOMORROW NIGHT - Sydney - I'll be at the Enmore Theater!!!
Get your tickets here:
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"poignant, moving, vulnerable, raucous, honest and shit the bed hilarious. Just simply fucking amazing"
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Fuck I love
@edfringe
so I've got tonsillitis and was shitting myself about cancelling my solo. And a whole bunch of mates have stepped up to fill in for me
@botecoedinburg
8pm
@ColtCabana
hosting
@reginalddhunter
@springdaycomedy
@BeffernieBlack
@ThisIsDaveMaher
#edfringe
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So much is now avail - every album, every DVD, an LP, DLC, Free podcasts and now T-shirts
http://t.co/59hIFOOYHr
http://t.co/FUFWFg7vVG
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****Whoa! To be clear!****
I'M NOT RETIRING FROM STAND UP!
I'm just saying tonight's two shows might be my last Edinburgh Festival Fringe performances
I've been a part of the furniture here for over two...
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"Punch Nazis!"
"Erm, OK, who are the Nazis?"
"Whomever I say is"
"Erm, you sound a lot like a Nazi"
"Fuck you Nazi! Get him!"
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.
@realDonaldTrump
: "I really need a war! I can't go to jail. I don't even comprehend how illegal my behaviour was when colluding with Russia. Come on Palestine! I just called your mum a faggot. For fuck's sake somebody fly a plane into SOMETHING!"
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#AskTrump
why do you always look like you've just farted and don't want anyone to know?
http://t.co/0raDmD8YIc
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Anyone noticed that ITV keep cutting to the 1 black guy in the crowd - betraying the cultural diversity portrayed
#leadersdebate
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I'm gonna be back soon doing my level best to do the same
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Pls support this man. He continues to put
@CraigQtrmaine
and I over no matter how much his core base hates me, which makes him even kinder
People are mainly good and fair. The nice thing about the podcasts is small donations from a few can make huge amounts of comedy. Thanks
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Not for sure, but it might be time for this ol' dog to be winding this shit down y'all.
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I've bitched a lot these last few years but
#lordbuckethead
has made me fall in love with this country all over again.
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Just catching up on
#WWEGRR
@WWEGraves
is doing four hours of improv gold. Past few months he's fast become my favourite commentator since Jesse!
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Can you some fucking shoes on please? People have paid good money to see you, you live action Babadook
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It's official DWG is now the most unanimously positively reviewed hour I've ever done. Liquid Rooms Annexe 615pm
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OH yeah! Well, I've never seen you hatch out of a big fucking egg, so fuck you Brock!
#shitBrockHASNTdone
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And if I'm honest both
@Daniel_Sloss
and
@kaihumphries
are way better than they have any right being, it's way too easy to forget they're both still in they're twenties and have produced over ten solo hours already (I think)
.
@Daniel_Sloss
tells me that
@kaihumphries
is his generation's version of
@GlennWool
: A comic that cracks up their comic mates in real life. Which takes time to translate. "Funnier off than on" kinda stings, but ALWAYS winds up being one hell of a big compliment.
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When hanging out with groups of comics, Glenn was always "the funny one" Translating that to stage is always the hardest. Now he does it, all the time, effortlessly. BUY THIS ALBUM! It's just like hanging out with him. And there's nothing funnier than hanging out with
@glennwool
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@PrichardShow
@bruceprichard
@THEVinceRusso
@MLW
WWE always claims Russo's ideas needed that special "Vince" filter - who filtered Katie Vick, Gobbly Gooker and million dollar giveaway?
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So hey comedy, can we now make 2015 the year we all band together for once and say "fuck you" to offended people?
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Huff post piece just went up on Lawrence Mooney and unprofessional reviewing just went up....
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Two months sober. Still
#rebuild
ing. Full album available here. Just $4.20USD
Thanks, trying to get a new hour together for Oz festivals
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Just realised if you RT "oh fuck off will you" to every
@guardian
article in your feed. Eventually, you'll manage to offend everyone
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Who would've thought that women's wrestling would one day have entrances longer than their WM matches used to be
#WrestleMania
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Yes yes yes yes yes, this is all well and good, but I think it's high time we heard a man's take on all these sexual assault cases don't you?
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What a truly blessed life you lead if seeing a comedy show you didn't like was worst night of your life were it? Sorry on behalf of them acts what was on. Enjoy them Royal weddingses wich on today thicky.
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30+ days sober. Now just gotta figure out that whole, getting back on my feet thing. Thanks so much to all who donated. I saw all of them and the messages of support. I'll be posting all my albums and specials one by one here for any of you missing anything on my back catalogue.
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@TripleH
I actually want to know "What's up?" Yet no one ever answers
#tweetHHHyourdispleasure
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Finale (and possibly my last) of
@coltcabana
and my bad wrestling show
@edfringe
is up on the page now for $3US+ patrons of the show
featuring
@thejohnhastings
@scottcapurro
@aliterative
@tomwalkerisgood
#SAMCAMPBELL
Goodnight and godbless
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So just found out tomorrow I'll be opening for
@DaveChappelle
at the Heineken theatre in Amsterdam. I'm a big fan and frikken pumped frankly
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#apesnotleaving
Say the thing. Do dumb thing. Film it. Post it. Tweet to me. Typing
#lfg
#amc
#gme
day in day out, only makes your echo chamber more rigid.
PLEASE! Actually do something that plays outside ur bubble. 10 months of explaining now!
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Y'know what? The fact that the word "selfie" exists and what it represents, really does signify that we've all turned into cunts.
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@billmaher
I tried to give less of a fuck but then found myself giving an unfuck which reeked of effort.
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Race Off
5*AustraliaTimes
5*TheWeereview
5*Superfunny
5*Everybodyloves
5*GoSee
4*Chortle
4*BroadwayBaby
4*One4Review
4*SomethingElse
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Fuck yes!!
@thejohnhastings
@DylanGott
@BeffernieBlack
Finally! I'm here to fuck your dad jokes are catching on!! I support this message.
Your Dad just gave me a birthday wish: he wishes I was here more often to fuck him. In his dad face and testicles
#imheretofuckyourdad
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Trump declares Hillary deleting emails as one of the saddest moments in US history. Obviously smallpox and slavery a close 2nd
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Kick its arse Joe
@WWERomanReigns
Nice to hear the crowd let you know the booing was never real
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good night Perth, I'l be on RTR tomorrow morning. Thanks to all of you that came to the show
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****NEWS****
****SAME NEWS! THROAT IS STILL FINE. TONIGHT'S SHOW WILL GO AHEAD LOOKS LIKE I"M ON THE MEND FOR GOOD****
Please spread the word. And again let the venue or me know if you're using a return...
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Please feel free to add your own twist
#auntyB
#peoplescoin
#maytheapethbwithu
#usetheforce
#spaceapes
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So one of the girls is being accompanied by a creepy old pimp and then there's Sasha Banks
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I just heard
@marcmaron
's last night. You're right, it was beautiful and I admire him for it. I'm more pissed off with a lot of guy's very selfish and overly defensive reaction to this, with their "notallmen" hashtags. Guess what dickheads? Real men don't use hashtags.
@marcmaron
had a heartfelt and thoughtful take on LCK,
@brendonburns
has a blunt but extremely accurate take on it
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#WrestleMania
Cole: "She was trained by the great Khali!"
To what? Not run, bump, bend or speak?
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@aidogecrypto
@robert_f_1
@MEXC_Official
@Uniswap
I did, I have. still nothing, none in my metamask nor coinbase wallet
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I FOUND A BOOTLEG
of the Edinburgh run of Dumb White Guy. I thought I lost it to the ether forever.
Again. Thanks so much. And I'll be back in some way, shape or form hopefully in the New Year.
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#RawAfterMania
That promo was so politically incorrect! People with receding hairlines everywhere are losing their minds!
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