tomwalker.bsky.social
@tomwalkerisgood
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Australian comedian & streamer. bsky more than this. for business inquiries: tom @tomwalkerisgood .com
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Joined January 2012
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Last Seen Profiles
As his name is not "Biggest Bird", we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
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You know the movie’s gonna be good if this guy’s in it
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imagine thinking fifteen is five 3s, not three 5s. sick, disgusting shit
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you can just email people and they'll probably reply especially if they're in academia. it rules lol. i'm emailing gorilla researchers and getting replies like "yep, the gorillas like bananas a lot"
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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just got out of Wonder Woman: 1984 and it's a triumph! I laughed, I cried - a masterpiece only slightly marred by the cinema's utterly flavourless coca cola and "salted" popcorn. Not sure if they've lost their magic touch during these trying times, but I couldn't taste a thing.
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the news is indistinguishable from shitposts. joe exotic has coronavirus? okay. in one day i take in more information than my ancestors did in a lifetime and none of it improves me
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do british people have skateboarding. hard to think about someone messing up a trick & yelling "bother"
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KOKO: Koko birkin bag. Practical Koko possession bag
RESEARCHER: No, Koko. You can’t have a Birkin bag.
KOKO: Good Birkin good Koko give beautiful Koko deserve gorilla
RESEARCHER: Koko, we simply can’t afford a Birkin bag. It is an unjustifiable expense.
KOKO: jealousy professor
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this is such a fucked up way to think about garfield
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My name on valorant is mywifediedin2012 and in a game a few days ago a guy said “this one goes out to this dudes wife” then got a headshot
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In the back of the squad car playing peekaboo with the cop in front, he’s laughing and clapping his hands when I come back but whenever I disappear he panics and starts fumbling with his service weapon
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lmao this guy sitting down for work at home strapped with an extra mag and a knife
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the best form of transport is train as it's the only one of the big 3 (boat, plane, train) where you can see a cow out the window and not feel justified panic
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100% probability Elon Musk has underlined “overpopulation??” on a whiteboard before
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W-woah it’s me Justin Roiland! I’m doing that voice I do haha! Ohh look at me I’m doing the voice and the, th-the cadence as well again wow haha wow!
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People reading sun tzu for marketing jobs. yeah make sure you position your cavalry in the nearby scrub before the big meeting you idiot
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(Horrid little red cheeks, hand tugging at your petticoat) Mummy. Have we the pence for my reduced fat cheese tasters
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Hello I am the apple corporation. You do not miss the headphone jack. Please look at this slideshow of your dead cat
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
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getting so tangled in the video store's adults only bead curtain they have to shoot me in the head like a broke leg horse
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Second base? Kissing two times. Third base? Kissing three times. Home? That’s right, another kiss
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Bought a real broken Chinese game called Truck Life and got this achievement at the end of the first stream
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The Will Smith genie looks like it's airbrushed on an unlicensed rollercoaster that dislocates shoulders
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The discourse on Bigfoot forums is unbelievably polite. Replies to the thread “how old is Bigfoot?” vary from “as Bigfoot is a being of pure light and energy, it is impossible to know” and “he is thirty five”
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@iPad_Latino
seeing a monkey or gorilla eating a banana and picking off the weird little banana strings was EXTREMELY validating
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Ah, my familiar friend, the post-DC film ennui - feeling listless, wishing i could return to the world of Wonder Woman: 1984. If you haven't seen it, run, don't walk! I am also finding it harder to breathe
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How come girls have so many sex toys but all us guys have is tying a rope round our dicks tying that rope to a doorknob then slamming the door till it pulls off
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this is from when Fran takes a full bowl of wasabi to the dome and then speaks in a completely clear voice saying "wow. that stuff really clears you up. I wonder how long it'll (normal nasal voice) laaast". One of the funniest things i'd ever seen. The Nanny forever
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Never been to the hall of the mountain king but it sounds hectic in there!
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Came all the way to the city and it’s closed..... this sucks
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listen man i gotta be honest i'm just working this job till i can buy a crossbow and fire it straight up in the air, i don't care if it kills me or God
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After the Mini Cooper company folded or whatever BMW bought the name and started making cars that aren’t even SMALL and calling them Mini Coopers. Look what they took from you. They’re laughing in our fucking FACES
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The ocean is home to many of the earth’s wettest animals
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So tempted to buy one of these guys and immediately break both my arms on it
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Pretty cool that for $100 AUD Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 completely rewired the way my brain experiences public spaces for the rest of my fuckin life
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Att thee jouste, watcheing with mine wyfe, thinking I coulde receive pleafure from her fine hand with none the wiser, I cut a low hole into mine breadbag, only for her to reach in and, not knowing, pluck mine penif from its base like a turnip, and bite it, taking from me my penif
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Demi proposed to me around 1 am on October 3rd and I immediately said yes - I told her I’d been looking for rings for her and she said “well, I bought one for you four years ago” tore it off her necklace and proposed.
She is always surprising me and is the best part of my life.
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Tiktok is going to make me lose my fucking mind
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Cutting a hole in the bottom of my popcorn box so I can finger my asshole in the movies without anyone knowing. Yeah the popcorn’s going everywhere and I’m on the floor lowing like an ox
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I wish all conspiracy theories were as wholesome as bigfoot. wish we spent our days thinking about a colossal shy ape lonely in the woods and the beautiful word "sasquatch"
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@VexedDragoon
you can usually just go to their place of work and they'll have their emails publicly listed, or sometimes they'll have their emails listed in the article
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@AbyDarling
this is like when a hitman tries to quit and go legit, leave the life behind. it's not working and you can tell
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Bankrupted my small town by abolishing the mayoral sash in favour of townwide “not-the-mayor” sashes
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timothee chalamet is a high elf and tom holland is a wood elf. tom holland has higher dexterity but the utility of having a timothee chalamet at the back of the party to cast buffs would be huge
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was looking for another file and rediscovered the time i tried to make sonic in a free sculpting program
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pete buttigieg challenge where you type "black lives" then slam predictive text till you hit the character limit
Black lives depend on whether America can be what we want to believe it is. What we need it to be. What it could be. Systemic racism is so woven into the fabric of this country, facing it will take action, honesty, listening, and deep, deep change. And for many of us, humility.
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I'm playing through GTA 4 with traffic acceleration speed set far too high. this is a thread of clips from that playthrough
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perhaps it would be nice if every player had their own basketball, to do with as they wish
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okay just checked. branson cognac is not the name of someone who died in 9/11
This day will forever be remembered, to those who lost loved ones my condolences.
#bransoncognac
#lecheminduroi
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I feel like we as a society have progressed past the need for Grill’d
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If you watch grand designs and you’re not googling the episodes after to see how long people lived in their “dream home” ya gotta start. Watching two architects build a cold austere “dream home” and finding out they lived there for 50 days all up👌👌
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If a date wishes to step over a puddle, I simply lay my cloak over it. If there is a second puddle, it is time for the auxiliary cloak to earn its keep. in the unlikely event of a third puddle I may request an emergency cloak airdrop from my support unit, or simply leave the date
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reading spiderman... does the spider get anything out of this deal. does this lil guy get beginner photography skills, or the ability to connect with its cool old aunt
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Gone are the days where you’d smile knowing your lover was looking at the same moon as you. Now I’m happy knowing that all across twitter my e-friends are staring lovingly at the same immense cow
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Just finished the great Gatsby. Would work really well as a cover-based shooter where you dodge between expensive water features to get close enough to shoot (spoiler) gatsby
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Air. Ice. What is the next element this “hockey” will bend to its will
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Punching a straw into the waterbed to drink deep the forbidden liquid
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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Man if I was in that motorcade you know I’d have been scooping the brains back into JFK’s head. Gettin acorns and bugs in there. Let’s get the guy back on the road, the show must go on
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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Humans aren't perfect but they're the only way we have to convert cosmic energy and stardust into cruelty and apps
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(Seeing a French bulldog after my Duolingo) ah. L’bulldog normale
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found a forum for sneeze fetishists bc i wanted to know how they felt when their family sneezed. apparently it makes them want to sink into the earth. interesting
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I love the environmental storytelling of fallout. Finding a bottle cap: someone enjoyed a drink here. Or nearby
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This is a question for everyone who has one of those spike receipt things that you spike all your receipts onto. Do you ever stop thinking about slamming your hand on it like a gameshow buzzer
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If the sun's dim and white, it's actually night -
Moon's bright and yellow? That's day my fine fellow!
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blue magic cards are all like "scheming academic of lo'thar" or "ingenious mathematician's epiphany" and green magic cards are all like "big ant", "loud dog", "wet cat", "big dog"
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well well well, look who's come crawling back
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we are a toy town country and we live on easy mode. none of our five citizens have the coronavirus any more. we are celebrating by all huddling around a gumnut and drinking fresh dew from a leaf
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Thank you pants
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cool move i've worked up: wifey (fiancee but you don't need my life story) didn't like me eating celery on the couch because i'd leave the leaves on the couch and then walk away, so i've started eating the leaves. they don't taste good, or feel good, but it deals with the leaves
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everyone's always saying "i'm down to clown". no-one ever saying "i will check in on the clown who's down"
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@baconradar
@buffalocialism
All that's necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to stay silent. Well done
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Never don’t think that I can’t adapt and overcome. GamerStrong
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The Italian desires coin above all - he will beat coin out of brick itself with leap, fist and buttock, though there is nought for it to buy
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Having a parcel locker for twitch subs to send shit to is paying off
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Proper post coming soon but I married the love of my life yesterday and I want to thank her for my dream wedding. For months she hand-made decorations, hustled and organised and emailed, thrifted tablecloths for the tables, sourced designs, had idea after idea after idea -
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We got a cat. His name is Norm and he has a big fluffy tail
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@cashbonez
they're so fucking good. i'm going to need twenty rounds to put down the bloodborne monster that resides in the server room one of these days
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look no idea how to put this or why i'm posting this here but we've had to put our wonderful cat David down and i'm very very sad - he was suffering and it was the right thing to do but i am going to really miss this freak of a cat
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