Bethany Black
@BeffernieBlack
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Stand-Up Comedian. Actor. Writer. managed by @unitedagents She/her, y'know like The Cat’s mother.
Manchester, England
Joined September 2015
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I am no longer really on this site. I check it about once per month, if you need me my website is in my profile as is my agent, if you contact them they’ll get in touch with me. Thanks everyone
BBx
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I had no idea Google were putting conservatives in electro-convulsive therapy and chemically castrating them. Huge if true.
JAMES DAMORE INTERVIEW: Fired Google engineer compares being a conservative at Google to 'being gay in the 1950s'
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“Why aren’t MPs getting 80% of their £80,000 salary” is the £64,000 question.
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I did this in Manchester about 14 years ago. I left my door unlocked and a sign saying “my car got broken into 12 times last year, there’s nothing worth stealing in here” came back to a smashed window and a post it note saying “just checking”
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For a man so opposed to socialism Boris Johnson seems to love getting publicly owned.
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Seems nice doesn’t it? Until you realise it’s for Nazi war criminal Rudolph Hess.
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"Media studies is pointless, just watching TV innit?"
*Entire generation gets tricked by not being able to judge real from fake news*
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I’d have more faith in the British Public’s common sense had they not 6 months ago elected Boris Johnson.
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People giving Greta Thunberg shit, what exactly went so badly wrong in your life you went “You know who really needs to be brought down a peg or two? An autistic teenager trying to make the world better by speaking in her second language.”?
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Bring facebook into public ownership? Are you... are you suggesting we [dramatic pause] seize the memes of production?
Reminder: nobody needs to
#Deletefacebook
if there is one of a) strong regulation b) breakup c) public ownership
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“Cancelling student debt wouldn’t be fair on the people who’ve already paid theirs off” is my favourite stupid argument, because it sounds fair, until you realise it’s like a serial killer going “well, if I stop now it’s unfair to all the people I murdered”
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The main problem with the world is that none of the right people have imposter syndrome.
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Right, there’s only one way to solve this: NO GENDER FOR ANYONE UNTIL THEY’RE 18
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The movie Yesterday, but Peter Kay’s the only person who remembers garlic bread.
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Worst Prime Ministers in History are like buses, you wait for ages for one then three come along at once.
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“You shouldn’t have kids if you’re not going to look after them” shriek the chorus of supporters of a man who’s wikipedia page says he has “at least 6 children”
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I hope whoever it is that loves W. Elba gets their wish.
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Somewhere in the afterlife Tom Petty and Johnny Cash are struggling for a name for their supergroup
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Hate it when you forget to swap accounts before telling yourself you have a good point.
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Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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Macron and Merkel’s Simon and Garfunkel tribute side project looks 🔥🔥🔥
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On
@Thismorning
the question “should a man always pay on a date” and as a lesbian I say yes. It would certainly save me and my girlfriend a lot of money.
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People say “He’s such a cunt, I think he might have ADHD or Autism or something” about both Boris Johnson and Trump, and can I say as someone who’s autistic, has ADHD, and who is an absolute cunt, that the being a cunt has fuck all to do with the other two. It’s a choice.
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I love how Billie Eilish always looks like she’s just said “I’m hungry” and the photographer’s said “Hi hungry, I’m dad.”
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Who called it “a return to imperial measurements” and not a “foot fetish”?
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It’s not that sexy
At 9pm, Tom Hanks and Michael Clarke Duncan star in The Green Mile. Keep a box of tissues nearby.
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If Dominic Cummings is such a genius manipulator of public opinion, why does everyone think he’s a cunt?
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Had to return my white noise generator, it just kept shouting “All lives matter” and “How is that racist?”
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Remember when that spy was found dead inside a suitcase in a bath and the army brought in their own “bag experts” who claimed he’d done it to himself even though they tried and failed to do it 400 times, and the police claimed it was “probably an accident”?
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An ellipsis only has three dots.
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Cisgender people playing trans people on TV and in Movies
An eighteenth-century lion, prepared by a taxidermist who had never seen a lion. In the royal collections at Gripsholms Castle, Sweden.
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It’s the anniversary of the greatest self own on this website.
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This just proves men are too emotional to host breakfast TV.
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@meItingbytwice
Timothee Chalamet and Margaret Thatcher look alike, and Chad Kroeger is what happens when you print Adam Driver with low toner
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Maybe if the news hadn’t taken the piss out of media studies for a generation this wouldn’t be happening.
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“We’ve decided not to play Fairytale of New York out of respect for LGBT people, in other news the Govt have axed funding for anti LGBT Bullying programs in school.”
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Seriously tho, how fast was that pudding going when it hit the plate?
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Dominic Raab doesn’t get imposter syndrome, and neither should you.
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"Angela Merkel is more responsible for Brexit than any other political figure in Europe, on either side of the Channel" | Writes Ambrose Evans-Pritchard
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Oh mate, what you remember is a time before you understood art and media.
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Brexit is the human version of what a dog would do if it actually caught a car.
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Trickle down economics is the theory that if you give money hoarders more money they’ll spend it rather than hoarding it, but if you give money to people who spend their money rather than hoarding it, they’ll just hoard it and the economy will collapse.
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Just cancel Brexit, the people who'll be pissed off would be pissed off anyway and they seem to enjoy it more.
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Watching the V for Vendetta Trailer and the Stephen Rea line “if your own government was responsible for the deaths of 100,000 people would you really want to know?” and it’s lost some of its impact after the last decade.
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It’s the third anniversary of the greatest self own in history!! 🎉🎉🎉
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Frankie Boyle’s put his money where his mouth is, as a trans comedian with 19 years experience he’s employed me as a writer where many others haven’t and wouldn’t. He’s someone who’s grown as a person and been accountable for what he’s said and done even when his fanbase hated it
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@celebritygus
Two friends of mine, one no longer with us took a 1 star review and put “a star” as the poster quote, the other took a 1 star review where they asterisked out a swear word and put it on the poster: “****” - The Daily Mail.
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How am I supposed to explain this heterosexual nonsense to my children?
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My partner has a compromised immune system.
As a result of this some relatively common illnesses are potentially fatal, or lead to life changing chronic illnesses
She relies on herd immunity not to die.
Get your flu vaccine.
Cough into your elbow.
Wash your hands.
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My therapist: don’t worry, Hand-Squirrel can’t harm you, Hand-Squirrel doesn’t exist.
Hand-Squirrel:
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Mark Wahlberg’s watching the Liam Neeson story and hoping no one checks his Wikipedia.
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@Sia
If you’d done the requisite research you’d have not made the mistakes that are obvious to anyone who’s followed the debates around disability for the last decade.
You want us to judge you by your intentions not your actions.
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Statistically you're less likely to be attacked in a toilet by a trans person than by a member of Girls Aloud.
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Boris Johnson and Priti Patel: “don’t be racist!”
Also Boris Johnson and Priti Patel:
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Someone recently described me as “suffer[ing] from autism” Let me be clear, what I suffer from is other people.
I am autistic.
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This photo made fun of my accent
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Watch this, and keep it in your mind when you see Dominic Cummings on the telly later trying to explain himself
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Facebook memories reminded me about the men so determined to disagree with women, they’re prepared to admit they couldn’t fuck properly if their lives depended on it.
Some of them dunked on themselves so hard they may have split reality in two.
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“5 is too young for kids to learn about the existence of LGBT people!”
I knew I was queer at 4 years-old, and knew enough about how society perceived that to know that talking about it was shameful. It’s why I was clinically depressed by the age of 7.
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Of course The Doctor has to be white and male, otherwise he'd never want to travel back in time.
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“We’ve formed a new party because we’re sick of institutional racism in our party”
*15 Minutes later*
“We regret to inform you our new party is institutionally racist”
This woman using the phrase “funny-tinged” to describe BAME people ON NATIONAL TELEVISION does quite succinctly answer the question at the bottom of the screen tbh.
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There Will Be Blood (Dir, Paul Thomas Anderson, 2007)
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Picked my shopping up from Tesco, and some higgidy pies were missing. The guy read out what was missing, “No Tuna, no lucozade no Higgidy” and so I said “I got to bag it up” and waited for the laugh.
Got nothing, just “yeah, we don’t supply bags any more.”
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We need fewer opinions from Morrissey and more from Robert Smith.
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Anyway, the best tiktok video I’vs seen in ages, Sound up!
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Hey guys, not realising something is racist is part of why racism is a system not something you actively do; people on the receiving end never get to forget what is and isn’t racist. That’s how power structures work. Take your lumps. Apologise, and help to dismantle the system.
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I repeat, replace every confederate statue in the US with one of Dolly Parton.
To see Dolly’s name in this vaccine tracker makes me so happy.
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Listening to people talk shit about how the UK is very welcoming to refugees reminds me of this meme
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This is my favourite thing on Twitter today. It’s beautiful!
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Unfortunately, due to a typo I shall be ruling with an iron fish.
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The closest analogue to web ducts in humans are the nipples, Tobey Maguire should have been swinging through Manhattan by his tits.
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Hello, trans person here, I just wanted to say: gender roles are out dated, gender stereotypes hurt everyone, loads of kids and adults are gender non-conforming who are in no way trans and that is a fantastic, necessary thing for the progress of society.
Thanks
BBx
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People who don’t want to wear masks make it more dangerous for me and my partner who know if one of us gets this we’ll both get it and the odds are one of us will die. We’re not going to be able to get back to normal until EVERYONE wears a mask *or* there’s a vaccine.
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“I can’t believe a Canadian Prime Minister was revealed to have worn blackface on multiple occasions and still got re-elected”
“It’s Trudeau”
Had that pun in my head for weeks, and now it’s actual news. Apologies.
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Rare photo of Optimus Prime getting out of the bath.
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