Richard K Herring
@Herring1967
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#dek67
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When we hold our comedians more accountable for their jokes than we hold politicians for their actions then something has really gone arse about tit with the world.
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People who want imperial measurements back. Young people stayed indoors for two years to keep you alive, don’t punish them with this shit that’s not relevant to anyone under 60 (you already have Brexit)
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Chemo done and dusted - only in the chair for about an hour and most of that was waiting for meds to arrive. So far feeling fine and hopefully that means I’ve done enough to ensure that that naughty bollock cancer does not return. Thanks to all at Mount Vernon Cancer Centre.
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Happy International Men's Day to all men, especially those who dont think there is one and then don't do anything to celebrate it when they find out there is.
As usual I invite you to nominate great men who deserve celebration. My choice this year is Bob Mortimer. High benchmark.
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If I’d know that Brexit would lead to the complete destruction of the Tory party, I would have voted for it.
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Whatever happens to Putin, at least he got Brexit done.
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How can you ignore the votes of 17,410,742 people?
Well it’s a bit like ignoring the votes of 16,141,241 people, which you seem to be managing, but then trying a little bit harder. Happy to help.
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Wordle 243 X/6
⬜🟩🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩⬜🟩
🟩🟩🟩⬜🟩
🟩🟩🟩⬜🟩
🟩🟩🟩⬜🟩
🟩🟩🟩⬜🟩noooooooooooo! The nightmare came true
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I don’t know how women feel, but by the end of international women’s day I fucking hate men.
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Just so you know. I am one of the public and I’d prefer it if you took your time and got it right. All the best. Rich
"The public doesn’t want any more delays. Let’s get Brexit done on October 31st and move this country forward." – PM
@BorisJohnson
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My daughter has pointed out that this guy in the BFG appears to have his cock out
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10 months(and a day) on from the operation, saw the oncologist today. Scan is clear. Blood is good. I need to drink more water apparently (I’d rather die), but all is fine. I’ve defeated cancer and am now indestructible.
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Losing Barry Cryer is like losing a member of the family. Utterly gutted that I’ve had my last birthday joke. He was one of my absolute comedy heroes and kept working right to the fucking end. A life well lived and a connection to every great comedian of the last 60 years. RIP
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Is it possible to go even more into the EU so we actually have no UK government at all? Cos I’m voting for that.
#hardremain
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It’s not like a Prime Minister to lumber the country with some terrible idea and then fuck off.
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That’s a good idea. Imagine if he’d been the one who fucked that. He’d feel like a right chump.
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Can’t believe it’s 4 years since that Christmas where my father-in-law had a weird cold that we all got that made us ill and exhausted. But that definitely wasn’t Covid apparently.
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How about replacing it with a statue of the people pulling the statue down? Then the statue is still there and everyone should be happy.
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Lots of hot takes on who was in the wrong, but all I know is that if one of my kids calls the other one a smelly bum and the other one hits them, they’re both in trouble, but the one who did the hitting is in more trouble. Hope that helps us come to some kind of resolution
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Don’t let them argue that we all broke the rules. Because we didn’t. They made the rules and ignored them. Don’t let this go.
EXCLUSIVE: First ever Partygate video revealed as Tories drink, dance and laugh at Covid rules
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How come you’ve fucked it up so badly?
Do you have a question about coronavirus that you’d like to ask the government?
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Of course the £600,000 overspend made no difference to the Brexit result. That’s why people spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on political campaigns. To make no difference.
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Is it time to get rid of the royal family and modernise our political system yet? No? Fair enough. I guess we should wait til something bad is happening.
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Nicholas Witchell was such a loyal servant of the royal family and it seems only appropriate that they bury him alive with the queen, ancient Egypt style. If he refuses we will know his whole life has been a lie.
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Phew all those angry men are going to be so delighted the Doctor is a man again. Right?
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I’ve had two 6+ hour waits at A and E with my son in last 12 months. If you’re unlucky enough to have an A or an E you are gambling with your life. Why are we standing for this?
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Please kill me if I ever become an old man mocking the outrageous clothing of pop stars, without seemingly any memory of thinking our grandparents were idiots for doing the same when we were young. Pop stars? dressing up in outrageous ways? Whatever next?
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The tories only cared about us buying everything we needed for Christmas. As long as that happened they didn’t need us to actually have Christmas
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What if we Remain, but invest the money we were going to waste leaving on all the areas that voted Leave?
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I buried my parents on the day of that No 10 party. They weren’t dead and they managed to dig their way out and alert the authorities. All I’m saying is if the Prime Minister is allowed to get away with crimes, then so should I.
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At least Doctor Who being a woman means the BBC have saved some money, right?
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I saw Sean Lock & Bill Bailey do Rock at the pleasance in about 94, where I think Stewart Lee and me (and maybe 2 others) were the entire audience. Crazy to think that was possible! One of my favourite Fringe memories. RIP Sean. Like everyone in comedy, I’m gutted by this news.
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If we all do it will you leave the country forever?
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How about they get this FOREVER
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Introducing Ernest Christopher Patrick Herring (1st Edinburgh Fringe show, the Ernest Herring Way).
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“Do ghosts have bumholes?” My 4 year old comes up with an excellent emergency question first thing in the morning.
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Just found out that you’re allowed to drink at home. Feel a right prick for waiting all this time for a pint now.
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RIP my right bollock. 12th July 1967 to 24th February 2021. Age shall not wither you. Thinking of my left bollock at this difficult time.
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If I can’t trust the Sun and loads of random nonce-obsessed Twitter randoms then who can I trust?
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Amazing that Father Christmas took the Coca Cola gig. Surely the obvious choice was Fanta.
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Imagine stretching your brain to try and make Marcus Rashford the bad guy in this. Imagine being that person. Fucking Hell.
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I can sunbathe next to strangers as long as they are 2 metres away, but not if they are my mum and dad together?
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I think Wordle might have jumped the shark. Well done to Ian Wordle for selling it at its peak. That’s absolutely the greatest thing.
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So many of you mentioning the RHLSTP with Terry Hall and I think it serves as a tribute to this funny and brilliant man, as well as detailing more horrifying times, so it’s here RIP. I am glad I got to tell one of my heroes how much he meant to me
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If the people of the UK ever become refugees - which let’s face it, is more likely than most people probably imagine - we are all totally fucked.
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Please, please, please, please, please, please, please can we have a new labour leader? Please.
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The problem with today’s politics (one of them anyway) is that anyone with a shred of decency resigns when they have screwed up and anyone without just rides the storm. Leaving us with increasingly morally bankrupt pool of politicians/advisors. We are shagged.
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Imagine being an 18-24 year old who votes Tory
Voting intention of 18-24 year olds:
LAB: 55% (+6)
CON: 22% (-1)
LD: 12% (-2)
GRN: 5% (-3)
SNP: 4% (+1)
BXP: 1% (-1)
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Keep pushing. We can go higher - speak to everyone you know. Us young people can win this election.
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Can’t believe the riots in the street last night cos of failure to Brexit. Saw so many kids covered in blood or battered beyond recognition. Young as 3. Never thought I’d see such violence in our country.
@BorisJohnson
you let us all down.
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I will never forget year I was a guest at Jools Holland's Hootenanny. + then spent real New Year's Eve alone watching myself have fun on TV.
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And remember however bad your NYE, it can not be as bad as the year that I was in on my own, miserably watching myself having a good time on Jools Holland’s Hootenanny. If I can get through that, you can get through anything.
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Let’s take our country back from the racists that do not represent us. David Lammy is an amazing MP. He has them rattled, that’s for sure. All power to him. And fucking Hell, what a disgrace.
Love to receive fan mail. Whoever wrote this and sent it to my office and was too cowardly to even sign their name on it, can you at least please note that I was born in the Whittington Hospital, North London, N19. And if you think that this will scare me into silence, it won’t.
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Has anyone done “Prince Andrew must be not sweating right now” yet?
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One week to International Men’s Day. Hope all the people who were furious that it didn’t exist have got something exciting planned now that they know it does. Will be checking in on you.
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We’re about to record the last episode of Taskmaster. I have never experienced as much consistent fun and laughter on any “job". Absolute excellent team of people both on and off camera. And remember it’s the taking part that counts.
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I am a traditionalist Doctor Who fan and I don’t care if this makes me politically incorrect but I will never accept a Doctor Who with Bradley Walsh in it.
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It’s almost like Men don’t even care about International Men’s Day (except on International Women’s Day)
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Jesus Christ Qatar, I really need a beer if I’m going to let someone bum me!
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£118?!!! These people were basically not drinking in the first place
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I wonder if there’s a danger for Putin that if the people of Ukraine show that it’s possible to stand up to him, the people of Russia might stand up to him too…. Written in hope that this might all backfire for him, rather than with any confidence.
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The Mash Report was the best UK topical comedy show for decades and also ironically gave right wing comic
@GeoffNorcott
a regular platform to do his stuff. Very bad decision to axe it.
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Stay in power
@BorisJohnson
. You can turn this around. Can’t wait to see how you do in a general election.
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God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform.
Covid silences Mrs Brown | Chat show cancelled this year because of coronavirus
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I love it when I’ve invited someone round for dinner and spent a shit load of money on them and they’ve told everyone I am a fucking cunt just before they arrive. Nothing classier than that.
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The joke's on UKIP. Soon there isn't going to be a UK and their name will look silly.
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We have to find whoever is in charge of all this. This has to go right to the top.
Some of the footage circulating online from the vigil in Clapham is upsetting. I have asked the Metropolitan Police for a full report on what happened.
My thoughts remain with Sarah’s family and friends at this terrible time.
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I choose the much missed Rik Mayall for bringing so much joy to the world, for being my childhood hero and for inspiring me to take the path I took in life. Just wish I’d spoken to him when he was in from of me at BP that time. Happy International Men’s Day everyone
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If you’re going to do this one by one, it might take a bit of time
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Meanwhile Marcus Rashford just gets on with helping to make things less shit
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I feel affronted by this too. Please do RT this image to ensure this scandal gets the exposure it deserves
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3 month check up with the oncologist and all looking good. My testosterone levels are good, because I am all man even when running at 50% capacity.
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Wait! What? Is that what I’ve been doing?
There’s a new series in town… Who will be the next Taskmaster champion this autumn on
@Channel4
?
Daisy May Cooper,
@JohnnyVegasReal
, Katherine Parkinson,
@MawaanR
or
@Herring1967
.
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What the Hell is this person playing at? You know there’s no k in it. You know R isn’t the second letter. How did you get on BBC website? Try farms next.
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I know it’s fucking ridiculous. It makes me mad. Also that Slavery month. When do the slave owners get recognised? Unless everyone gets a day what is the point in days? Oh hold on there is an international men’s day apparently, it’s november 19th. Still mad about slaves though
What the fuck is this
#InternationalWomensDay
bullshit?
Why isn't there an international men's day?
So much for equality, huh!
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He made me laugh so much that I suppose it’s only fitting he should finally make me cry.
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Imagine having 44 billion dollars and choosing to spend it on ruining Twitter rather than doing something about world hunger/the environment. If I was an egotistical billionaire I’d want to save the world so people thought I was awesome. Not fuck up Social media.
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Sadly biggest bellend in the country still held by a man.
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Piers Morgan and James O Brien on the same page - as prophesied in Bible. This is the end of times.
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Too right he has
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Not many 96 year olds die and leave you saying that he had so much left to give. Huge shoes to fill, but I hope Just a Minute will sail on in tribute to him.
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To all those of you who said I was making the day about me, without spotting what a self-defeating nightmare it was for me. I am done. Thanks to you. You have essentially stolen tens of thousands of pounds for Refuge. Hope you’re happy!
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Can’t wait til the Tories are in power so they can get on with all these things they want to do.
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Imagine being the biggest cunt in the Tory government. To the point where you have to resign, cos the other cunts think you've gone too far.
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Remain or leave, it makes no difference now. The damage is done. Gonna be a decade before anyone wants to risk doing business with us… well done to us all for this wonderful British fuck up. (can I get Scottish citizenship please and come with you when you go back?)
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Sean Lock on cancellation of 15 Storeys High "“The way it was tossed away by the BBC,” he said in 2008. “I just thought you put in all that work and you’re at the mercy and whim of someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.”
Spot on.
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Sorry everyone. I just don’t have the balls for it any more.
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I had also booked him to speak at my funeral, some am furious that the old bastard has let me down.
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For some reason whenever I tweet about Nish, a few people will feel the need to tell me he’s not funny. They don’t do it for most other (male) comedians. I wonder what their issue could be???? He’s one of best stand ups in the UK. So do catch this tour (unless you’re… you know)
Thanks for all your kind words about the Mash. It means the world. I have no future plans other than watching new Succession and Curb and then going on this tour.
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I look at New Zealand and keep thinking if only we had lived on an island then maybe we could have kept COVID at bay.
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