Doug Stanhope
@DougStanhope
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Leader of My Own Free World. Facebook: … Instagram: TikTok:
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Joined May 2008
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Last Seen Profiles
Just watched
@rickygervais
opening for some dumb award show. Not only did he kill it, but if you watch the stars in the audience to see who laughs or doesn't, you can tell who the douchebags really are.
#MostAre
#GoldenGlobes
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I'm cancelling all dates at venues that require you to be 21 to drink alcohol in a country that recruits you to die in wars at 18.
Wanna keep going?
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People realizing they can work from home, little traffic, emptying jails, limiting waste, talking rather than texting or not having to talk at all. Organizing that fucked up tupperware cabinet. Trusting science over "leaders." Hopefully some of this sticks when it's all over.
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Hitting the dark web to score a fake ID that says I'm 75.
Vaccine, motherfucker.
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I think about all the civil liberties that you are denied that I have yelled about over 30 yrs of comedy and sit dumbfounded that the one you finally get up in arms about is voluntarily wearing a mask over your stupid mouths.
Start with the wrongly accused and work backward.
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Conversely, if you're down there looking up, start warming up the crowd for me.
#RIPBrodyStevens
If you're up there looking down, please know your comedy made millions of people laugh and you will be missed greatly.
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No fucking way.
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Read
@nytimes
article about legal/illegal evictions during pandemic. I'm a landlord too and told tenant in March no need for rent for duration of virus. Because it won't hurt me and it's the right thing to do, not because of some mandate.
No landlord is living hand to mouth.
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No. It's way easier to wear a mask than all that other shit.
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Early this year I had an awful stay in the Rio in Vegas, which I reviewed on TripAdvisor and Yelp. Now I am banned from every Caesars property in Vegas )
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Next time
@BillMaher
starts trending and people wonder if he's a good person...
Bill Maher once fired Mitch Hedberg as his tour opener for going on stage with a bottle if wine in a paper sack.
Said it was "unprofessional."
#MitchHedberg
#BillMaher
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I don't know how many Parkland victim families were in attendance at the bootlegged Louis CK show in question. None or less, I'm guessing. So who made them outraged? Like you telling your co-worker that Bob from HR said she's ugly. Who is the one that hurt her feelings? Bob?
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I have never once left Portland without thinking that I absolutely have to get the fuck out of Portland as soon as possible.
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I stopped calling myself Libertarian when a) I realized how little I know about shit and b) when I realized that so much of it depends on the inherent decency of human beings.
Like wearing a mask - even just in case.
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Take Louis CK out of the equation. If a full performance of Hamilton was pirated and uploaded to the internet, how would it be legal for all of these shitbag gossip websites to provide that illegally obtained content on their sites?
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There would be zero deaths due to narcotics if all drugs were legal.
Every fentanyl death is on the govt tab.
Walmart could sell clean blow and those kids would suffer nothing more than a hangover and saying too much about everyone they secretly hate.
Drug laws kill people..
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On Nov 26th, 1980, at age 13, I got drunk and smoked cigarettes for the first time and have pretty much not slowed down for 40 years.
So, yesterday Nov 27th I began the 1st of 40 days smoke-free and sober. Which I realize was a terrible idea save for not having to talk.
#40For40
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Remember...
If you voted for Biden because he promised to bring people together, try not to talk shit on Twitter to those who voted against.
I know sportsmanship doesnt sell tickets but give decency a shot.
And I'm not even high.
Just tired.
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Karl Pilkington may be the one person I that I have more in common with than any person I've met outside of stand-up comedy. No interests, no hobbies, but pure and simple logic. Like me, heavy on the simple.
#SickOfIt
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It is official! He followed me so therefore...
I am wholeheartedly behind
#YangGang2020
@AndrewYang
!
If he is not the next President - and the first candidate to ever visit
#Bisbee
, AZ, - then I will die a lonely man.
Also, Go
#KCChiefs
! Same Rules Apply, said
#Vonnegut
!
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The amount of blowback from people about me stating the fact the Tommy Robinson and the EDL are shit-possums accounts for how many fuckheads were in my UK crowds. I should have done this before tix went on sale. You aren't welcome at my shows.
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When
@joerogan
and I were doing The Man Show, the idea was floated of having OJ end every episode like Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes just complaining about shit like ATM fees, etc. It was quickly shot down by higher-ups. This is kinda what it would have looked like.
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On the off-chance this hasn't been pointed out 15k times...
You made this while you are wearing a seat belt?
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Found elderly woman wandering hotel hall w/
obvious dementia in only a thin nighty, gave her my coat, brought her to front desk to track her room. When finally got her to proper room, mngr said to me "She smelled heavily of alcohol."
"No, she has dementia. I reek of alcohol."
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I have some caveats for
#SoberOctoBert
that are known, ie medical reasons, tapering etc. But the other is that I thought I was getting home from Hawaii Oct 1st on a red-eye. But I leave on the first, home on the 2nd. I'll owe you a day. Plus I'm quitting cigs too. 38 yrs.
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If
#WhiteSupremacists
#WhiteNationalist
March with torches again tonight, it wouldn't be hard to fill water balloons w gasoline. Just saying
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The only way to save pro sports with no crowd on TV is to have two Roast Battle level comedians as announcers, each overtly partisan for their own team.
Name the comic that should announce their team.
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Brody Stevens was and always will be comedy legend. RIP.
"But I could have told you, Vincent/This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" Don Mclean
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Ok
@AndrewYang
I'm gonna start calling
#Iowa
on your behalf. But unlike Chappelle, mine wont be funny. Instead I'm gonna tell em I kidnapped their kid and now they gotta do what I say. I saw it almost work in a Mel Gibson movie but never before in a campaign. Genius.
#YangGang
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This makes me very happy.
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This is a test tweet to see if I qualify as a celebrity.
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Dear Every Comedy Club,
You should have a speaker in the green room so the other comics can hear what's being said on stage.
Take it out of my pay.
Comedians, please rt.
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Colonsocopy a raving success, propophyl highly recommended and will be using intestinal snapshots for xmas post cards!
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20 yrs ago today my dad died from that ass cancer.
He missed 9/11. He missed a Patriots dynasty. He missed many comedy specials of mine he wouldn't have understood but would have smiled regardless.
He missed covid.
My dad didn't miss a thing.
Timing is everything.
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Remember, we are all part of the same race.
A temporary one.
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You want your vote to count, take jury duty. One single "Not Guilty" vote on a victimless crime changes a life.
That's
#Nonpartisan
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Let's all reach across the aisle and celebrate together as a country that SNL can now drift back into its rightful obscurity.
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Remember...
The worst picture of yourself is probably how you look most of the time.
And your friends still love you regardless.
Have a great night.
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This is something I should not have to fathom being this high.
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If I die from
#coronavirus
the ugly truth is that I probably got it from working the merch booth in
#Seattle
. I died doing what I hated the most.
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Brody Stevens. Some insight. RIP
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If drugs were sold commercially and legal, you would not have to worry about cartels putting fentanyl in them.
Ever open a Miller Lite and been concerned about it being poisoned?
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So no comedians diagnosed yet? Maybe we are the chosen people.
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For 13 years I've wanted to take him inside that food factory, that field of dog dreams and endless treats. And not one person said a word. I gotta go cook the most rare steak ever.
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I'll never understand how someone could ever be considered successful when they still choose to live in a cold climate.
Wealth should mean never having to worry about snow drifts or black ice, no matter who is driving the town car.
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Dear
@Pornhub
I know its late.
I know you're weary.
My special comes out tmrw on Vimeo but was also supposed to be on Amazon and iTunes who keep giving "We are experiencing delays due to..." messages.
How can we release this for free on your platform if they don't hurry up?
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This is the weirdest time to be alive - and that's by my standards.
It's unbelievable that more people are angry than fascinated.
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I wish there was a
#RedZone
of news coverage that goes automatically to whatever city's riot is the most out of control.
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If I go to the movies and record the film on my phone and then upload the entire film to the internet, that certainly would be a felony, yes? Regardless of whether or not people did or did not like the movie. So how is live performance any different? Is it any different legally?
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I'm saying that if 100 Nazis showed up in the town square yelling and nobody paid attn, they'd sulk off back into their doomsday bunkers.
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The insurance co said they would put us up in a hotel until our house can be made livable, which could be a while.
When I asked what hotels were available, they mentioned...my favorite bar downtown which I always forget is a hotel as well!
Thanksgiving indeed!
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Would hate to be
@Shanemgillis
this weekend... having to explain to everyone what Saturday Night Live is.
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HERE WE GO, ANTI-MASKERS!
If you really are that hardcore against the government telling you what to do...
Start right now by refusing to turn your clocks back!
Or are you cowards?
Turn on ANYBODY who turns their clock back because they are against FREEDOM!
#antimask
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Congress all speaking like wet-pants children who finally experienced a school shooting and were told to hide under their desks.
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I used to be of two minds. Always in conflict.
Drunk me or sober me.
But now that I've included edibles, I finally have a tie-breaker.
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I'm down to 5 cigarettes. I gotta get out of the place that I came to get out of a place.
Last election, I voted for Gary Johnson not only because I liked him but because he followed me on Twitter.
@AndrewYang
will get my endorsement if he follows me before my 8am flight.
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My friends are people who have real problems deep enough they don't need to seek outrage on the internet. The ones who are just trying to stay alive & stay sane. The people who mean it when they say they Need to Laugh. They always will be. Except occasionally when they bother me.
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Me to front desk "I've been drinking at the Comedy Store all night and I need a 9am wake up to get to
@joerogan
's podcast tmrw. Come in and prison beat me with a pillowcase full of soap if need be."
Front Desk: "We'll use D-cell batteries."
Good hotel.
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BREAKING NEWS: SHE JUST JUMPED UP , SAID "I GOTTA PEE!" THEN PEED AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP! I'M GONNA GO HIGH-FIVE STRANGERS IN THE LOBBY!
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RIP Frank Bonner aka Herb Tarlek of WKRP - the earliest inspiration for my choice of style.
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Day 6 of 40 off the smokes and the sauce... got to drive sober to pick someone up at last call last night, possibly a first.
Also Windexed my Roomba like I was gently combing its hair as it lay in my lap.
My junk drawer is organized.
Life is swell.
#SobrietyTourism
#40For40
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#SoberOctoBert
diet - Breakfast: Smoothie with beet, asparagus, cuke, spinach, banana, mixed berries or pineapple. Lunch: Egg whites w/green pepper, onion, black olive, tomato, green chiles, swiss and turkey slice on Dave's Killer bread. Dinner: Xanax w V8 & milk thistle.
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Stay with me... I am high and laughing at the idea of sending Depp ridiculous yet vaguely incriminating text messages in case he ever has his phone subpoenaed again.
"Dude, you drank all my White Claws, bro. Not fucking cool. Yoour'e like some gay alkahalic. you dick."
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Pulling into a random roadside motel in West Texas with a pinkish mohawk and out of state plates...
You will never appreciate more the time that that manager says "Big fan, by the way."
Nor will they know how much I adore motels with single digit room numbers.
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Hello
@FoxNews
?
I think we got disconnected, shall I try back from a landline?
Hello?
HELLO?
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I just got a voice message on my burner phone from myself last night. "Good morning, sober stanhope. Write this down..." and I'll be darned if it wasn't a pretty good idea for a bit. Good work, drunkie stanhope! Talk again soon!
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When you are awakened to the timid surprise of hot diarrhea breaching your asshole like an oil spill, dont waste time afterwards wondering what may have caused it.
Just get on Twitter to let people know it happened and keep focusing on a brighter future.
Together we got this.
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Pinch me, I'm dreaming!
Yes, in an airport!
And why a selfie?
BECAUSE IM THE ONLY ONE IN IT!
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If I had more characters I would have said "most landlords" and skipped the absolute generalization but do you really think that would have avoided all the shit-stirrers and kept the focus on the sentiment?
It feels good to do the right thing when you're able. Shit on that.
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Any commercial that has to repeat that an 800-call is free is undoubtedly scamming the elderly.
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I've never missed living in LA but there is nowhere I'd rather be tonight than the
@TheComedyStore
tonight.
#ripbrody
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Just talked to
@bertkreischer
about how much fun I had doing a podcast with comics I rarely see or talk to. Said that I wish we could do this regularly with random comics, not as a podcast but just to talk.
I know it would help my mental health.
Bert says he'll make it happen.
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Years ago I thought it would be funny to see if I could get a real job.
Found a job for Liquor Distributor and was honest. 9th grade ed, fraud telemarketing. stand up comedy. Listed Rogan and Louis CK as references with actual phone
#s
.
Never got a call.
I'll try again.
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12 goddamned miles.
@KathrynBertine
has footage of me talking shit after 5 miles and then again dying barely .2 miles from home. Day 2 off smokes and booze for a while until I can find a consistent voice on page. Or until I become a physical specimen worthy of acclaim and terror.
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Hey
@LukeBryanOnline
I was just forced to hear your stupid Rain/Whiskey dumb bumpersticker of a song at a bar and now it lives in my head like a cancer or a botfly. I know all shit country songs are produced in a mill like tires but it's your fault for breathing life into it.
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My mother committed suicide at 63 as well. But she wasnt nearly as funny. So long, Robin Williams. Very fucking nice guy.
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I took an edible to go to bed. There is no way that I should be near my phone or the internet now. Please give me an intervention. This is when I need you most. Strangers are my only friends.
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When will cable news outlets start listing the number of US Infections/Deaths by party affiliation?
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I'm growing it back in quarantine! Ladies? Laaaadies???
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Just drunk-dialed a fan who had a cool story. Last time he saw me, he was so drunk after the show that he called AAA and said his car wouldn't start so he got a free tow home.
Way better than your "I got a DUI after your show" stories.
I like strong drunk thinking.
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I woke up at suddenly 4:50am and can't go back to sleep as though some belief in Santa is still ingrained in my DNA.
#Christmas
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If you haven't heard,
@DeathCripps
aka Crip Daddy aka Donovan died a day ago, far later than expected but with enough time for him to record a comedy special.
I hope you listen to it and that it spurs the soft-touch folk into fits of anger.
That's what he would have wanted.
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This is a bunch of hooey!
I sold my new special to
@Vimeo
in a 100 million dollar deal but *I'm* not trending?
It's always Rogan Rogan Rogan!
#DyingOfALastBreed
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Sometimes people take "contemplating suicide" as a negative when it's really just the same comforting day dream as time travel or winning the lottery.
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