Kai Humphries
@kaihumphries
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Geordie comedian performing all over the globe, grab a ticket to a live show or watch my specials for free on your device 👇by clicking this👇
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Joined November 2009
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I’ve just released my stand-up comedy special “Punch-Drunk” on my shiny new website for free.
Hope you enjoy it 🥊🐿️
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Philip Schofield getting away with cheating on his wife with an 18yo boy he’d known for 6 years then getting done for queue jumping is peak Britain
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Tottenham joining a European super league is like Bananaman getting called up as an Avenger
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Beating Man Utd is like shagging the hottest girl from your high school but 20 years later after her 4th kid and 2nd divorce
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It’s like Pablo Escobar getting done for a late library book
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I was saying this ages ago, even before he jumped the queue
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It’s like Boris Johnson getting done for having a party 🤷♂️
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I imagine the best thing about being right wing is that left wing views you once had can’t come back to haunt you, no one is digging out a tweet from 2010 where you showed empathy
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My wife has sung flower of Scotland about 30 times this-morning and points at me shouting “WANKERS” mid song, every time
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People stating on social media that they’ve never watched game of thrones is the lamest muggle shit I’ve ever witnessed
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Dunno what this little guy did to get a guard of honour but you gotta respect it
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Remember this lady who saw us struggling and taught us how to knit last January. I just found her number and had the nicest text exchange with her, she couldn’t believe our Xmas jumpers. What a belta moment reconnecting with her. I’m buzzing!
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Controversial opinion, but this is worse than international break
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Anyone got some followers I can borrow? Mine are dropping like flies because I had the audacity to suggest racism was bad.
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A white man launches himself into space yet joirnalists run stories about what a black man does with his money. That’s why we support taking the knee. Racism is everywhere
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No matter what I watch on telly with my wife’s parents there always seems to be a sex scene making me feel super awkward. Wish me luck, we’re about to watch Daniel Sloss on Graham Norton
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Took on knitting as a daft challenge with
@Daniel_Sloss
and had no idea the sheer joy it can bring when you complete something you’ve been working on for ages. Behold my first jumper!
#Kintflix
#YarnoldSchwartzeknitter
#WoolshitBennett
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Me and my wife (forgot her name and feel like I’ve known her too long to ask) have bought our first house together, it’s in Glasgow, we move in in January. I’m beyond happy
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I dare you to walk through town and openly, loudly call a gay man a “bumboy” a single mum’s child “illegitimate” a Muslim woman a “letterbox” then tell a black man he has a “watermelon smile”
See how society reacts to you!
This is what we let our Prime Minister get away with
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It’s insane that as a country we lap up a a million versions of “A Christmas Carol” every year, yet still manage to vote Tory.
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Took a Hail Mary on an old one this morning and would you believe it....
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Not being asked for ID while wearing a mask is some cold hard truth about your eyes
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Just dropped the hire car off at Glasgow airport and rang my wife to see if she’s far behind to pick me up. She was just past Falkirk on the way to Edinburgh airport. Good morning
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My wife will start a conversation with “guess what” and make me guess from scratch without giving even the slightest clue to the premise. This morning’s was that Bat out of Hell is back on in the West End. The fuck am I meant to guess that!?
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I wrote this speech on an acid comedown in 2015, I mean it today more than ever
(A thread. It wouldn’t fit in one post)
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There are two types of people in this world, people who comment on your battery life when you post a screenshot, and people I don’t mind hanging out with
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Peak Twitter watching people who loved him for his insensitive non pc sense of humour get all sensitive and pc about the jokes
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Too long to tweet but these are my thoughts on men like Russell Brand
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Where does the name end and the link begin?
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Oh aye, as if we all beat the scum to a scoop by over a year. OR were they part of the cover up. I didn’t click the link. Don’t find the link. Don’t click the link. Fuck The Sun
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A working class person voting Tory because they hate Corbyn is like a Geordie suddenly supporting Sunderland because they dislike Steve Bruce
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I’ve been playing Grant Theft Auto my entire life for a moment like this
James Corden, Camila Cabello, Billy Porter and Idina Menzel stopped traffic in LA for a flash mob with a cover of Jennifer Lopez’s “Let’s Get Loud” to promote
#CinderellaMovie
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How come it’s the same people who say WE can’t be held accountable for our anscestors atrocities, who always say WE won the war
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I guarantee that no-one in the country is shouting "BRING MILNER ON" at their TV but it's inevitable that Roy Hodgson will answer the cry.
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When you’ve hid something from your nephew and they’re really close to it
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How come Prince Phillip only gets a minute silence for his service to the country when I got a full 20 minutes silence for my performance at Covent Garden Jongleurs?
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I believe if you could vote by app or got fined for not voting the country would look very different. Please take the steps and register to vote to see what the place should actually look like. Don’t leave it in the hands of the organised boomers
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Why don’t you walk into an orgy and loudly, smugly announce you’re not into sex
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Well some legend has made a twitter account to follow our knitting comp. now we can’t back down!!
DAY 2:
Knitting session. You can already tell he’s getting the knitter hunchback.
Grandma D.
Soon on all your power charged devices
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Death, taxes and your dog taking two shits when you’ve brought one poo bag
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I’ve just got outa bed and found out
@Daniel_Sloss
has finished making my Xmas Jumper. I’m having a coffee then headed to Edinburgh with his (from Glasgow) for the reveal. We’ll do it on Instagram Live
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My wife’s wedding dress has stood watching over me for 18 months, it’s taken me this long to name it Mannequin KaiStalker
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The only thing standing between me and stepping into politics tomorrow is that photo of me taking a line of coke off the back of a tortoise
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I’m giving away this wee hat I knitted, if you want it Retweet and Follow then I’ll draw one of you at random and send it to you for free 🧶🥢🐞😘
#knitting
#giveaway
#freestuff
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Just got one of those haircuts that’s gonna look good in about 6 weeks when it grows back and someone else cuts it
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As much as I do love trial by meme, could we also just not vote for them?
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There’s a bloke on the train, not reading, not using a phone, no headphones, not conversing, not sleeping. Just existing in his space. Is this mindfulness? It’s a 4 hour train, he might reach nirvana
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I love South Africa, you get to live like Daniel Sloss on Kai Humphries money
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Let’s never ever EVER forget that
@Daniel_Sloss
went to see Nickelback with his mum
#PassItOn
#PleaseRT
#1share1prayer
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What a fucking year. I got myself an extremely hot wife... and his Netflix specials really improved my career!!
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In 2002 an older colleague accidentally sang the word “instrumental” during Kareoke on a staff night out and I still think about it almost every day
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To get an abortion in America you’re gonna need to give birth to them and enrol them in a school
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I’ve been living in Scotland 3 days and they’ve already qualified for a major tournament for the first time in 22 years, just saying
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If you voted for this government please stand up to them and hold them to account. Don’t leave it to us “lefty liberals” to look like we’re being tribal when we just want decent leadership. (1/2)
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Sean Lock was the best among us, when we did Altitude festival every single comic on the rosta watched from the back in stitches and in awe of just how good he was. We all looked up to him so much, such a crushing blow. The world just got a lot less funny.
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Graham Potter showing the Brighton bench where the clit is...
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When your mate pops his head in your tent at 6:30am coz he can still hear music somewhere in the festival
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Somewhere between international woman’s day and Mother’s Day the authorities have utterly betrayed the people who made us. Absolutely fuck this country!
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Had people complaining The Roast is behind a £3 paywall 🤣 Heads up it’s cost us more than £3 to ship the studio equipment to 4 different continents this month to keep churning out entertainment. Half of which you can get for free. Cheers to those of you who get it 😍
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Next up we hear what R Kelly has to say about DMX
"We've lost almost the grandfather of the nation"
Prince Andrew describes the Duke of Edinburgh as a "remarkable man" and says his death has left "huge void" for the Queen
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I officially knit quicker than your nana now. Made these today!
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My wife doesn’t put meat on the top shelf of the fridge because the light might warm it up and it’ll go off. In other words. My wife thinks the fridge light stays on the whole time.
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I wonder if Gerard Piqué has ever accidentally sent nudes to Shaqiri
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@FallGuysGame
Can I get a refund if I foolishly bought the game then PS+ in the wrong order?
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Remember when the teacher said you couldn’t use an abacus in a test because it’s not like you’d carry one around with you once you left school? Well who’s laughing now!
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If you utter “all lives matter” the comment should be met with the same distain as though you’d made a pervy remark about a 12 year old. You’ve just outed yourself as the worst cunt
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Got My American Visa today. Gonna join my buddy
@Daniel_Sloss
on this tour. It’s happening! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🥳
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I never thought when I started stand-up comedy I’d end up doing a knitting vlog to a cult of mostly cat ladies, but I really have found my calling
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What part of everyone dying made people think Tories were nailing it?
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If Saudis buy WWE, Hell in a Cell will just be a woman with a driving licence
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If your natural default is to defend people in power, rather than hold them to account. Grab a history book and discover exactly how dangerous your personality type is
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Do you reckon Jesus used to lie on top of his bath water wishing he was normal?
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If you get through to a call centre be kind to the staff even if you’re upset at the company. They’re working through all this to serve you. Open by asking about their well-being and close by telling them they’re appreciated. It makes a difference 🙌
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A mate I haven’t spoken to in 2 years just voice memo’d me a fart at 3am. Blokes are class sometimes
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When my gf said she wanted to talk about the future I thought she meant jet packs and shit. That went from exciting to boring real quick.
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Those two must be fucking chuffed getting off this planet
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I knitted her a scarf and she wore it for work this morning. If you’re wondering how marriage changes you!
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I knitted half last night (left) while watching Mr Deeds off my nut on weed brownies and the second half today sober and paying attention. Which do you prefer?
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The best thing about taking up golf is finding out all those journalists who said my comedy was below par were complimenting me
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