Alice R Fraser
@aliterative
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Join my weekly writers meetings at Patreon: 🎙️ Podcasts: The Gargle; The Bugle; The Last Post; Tea With Alice; Alice Fraser Trilogy.
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Yeah yeah yeah I’m going to keep reminding you that there’s an Alice Fraser Trilogy available free. And it’s audio, so you don’t even need to look at me. Find it here or on whatever your podcasting app of choice happens to be.
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Freelancing is great because you’re your own boss, so you have to stare directly into the fact that you’re both a terrible boss and a terrible employee.
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One problem with the idea of a vaccine passport is whatever form they take will be hard to police and easy to fake.
What they really should have done is put a traceable sort of microchip thing into the vaccine using nanotechnology…
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Marriage used to be so simple. You'd meet a man, buy his daughter; make awkward conversation til she died in childbirth. What went wrong?
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Ugh, Greta Thunberg? If I wanted to worry about the state of the environment I’d get a science qualification and do my own extensive research and assess the terrifying facts, not get some articulate child to concisely lay out the problem in an accessible way.
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Interesting fact: t-shirt is actually short for “Tyrannosaurus Shirt”
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If movies have taught me nothing else, I think what this situation calls for is a crack epidemiologist to come out of retirement for One Last Job.
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It’s only a comedienne if it’s from the comedienne region of France. Otherwise it’s just a sparkling wit.
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DATING TIP: authenticity is sexy, so invite them over for dinner and serve what you'd eat if they weren't there. Spinach, some chocolate, maybe these leftovers, olives, a fistful of bread.
For dessert we stand in front of the open fridge and pick a handful of grapes off the stem
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This idea of someone with a disability as a different kind of human is so odd to me. Unless you die very suddenly, you will at some point be disabled. Even if you’re healthy to the point of being an outlier, ageing will take from your ability until you need some help.
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The only thing that can stop a bad man with a trebuchet is a good man with a trebuchet on higher ground with better aim and prep time.
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It’s pretty fun watching everyone brutally bug-test every one of twitter’s experimental new features to failure. The kind of heartwarming collaborative effort only wartime nationalism or internet schadenfreude can fuel.
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I feel sorry for so many people today. I feel sad for anyone who thinks their problem is one group of other people. Trust me, if it weren’t the Muslims, you’d blame Jews, or women or Protestants or catholics or the Italians or the Vietnamese or the people in a different hat.
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Heya fam, I’d just like to condemn white supremacy real quick, if I may? Just for fun! Nobody’s really asked me to, but I figure I’d just put it out there. Hashtag not sponsored! Treat people like people cause they’re people! Glad we cleared that up smiley face winky face.
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You know when you’re walking at night and you have your keys between your knuckles cause there’s always one key you can’t remember where you got it and you never know when you’ll meet the thief whose heart it will unlock?
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Dear people who drop the mic to make the point that you just made a point, you make sound-engineers flinch.
Don’t drop the expensive shout-technology, it’s not made of rubber and we’re not made of money and I can’t spend all day listing things that things aren’t made of.
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Lying in my armchair being food for my new baby and writing jokes for the radio. A brief moment of feeling like maybe I can make this all work.
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DATING TIP: humans are attracted to good skin, sound teeth and symmetrical features. Be sure to have specimens of each on display shelves with placards detailing their provenance.
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Congratulations to
@danilic
- you decided you wanted to have an impact and genuinely made a difference. When we do political satire, we often talk about how this work doesn’t change anything. Turns out that depends what kind of work you’re doing.
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@PFTompkins
Let’s just accept that the pinnacle of comedy is, as it always has been, finding someone in the village with a crooked shoulder and putting them in a funny hat for the king to throw bread rolls at.
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Don’t believe anything you read on social media, unless it directly confirms a belief you already have in which case share it uncritically and never apologise in the face of new information.
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@courtneymilan
The way I put it is you’re signing up for a medium sized car crash. Some people walk away sore, but essentially okay. Other people end up carrying injury for life.
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Today is a great day. I just saw a man with a phone in one hand and a sandwich in the other go to take an absentminded bite of his phone.
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I get asked what advice I’d give to kids, and I don’t know, but basic emotional skills I think kids should learn in schools are:
some point, you’ll be in love with someone who doesn’t want you. Here’s some ways to deal with that gracefully.
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@jackiekashian
An MC introduced me as “she’s been round the comedy scene for a couple of years by which I mean she’s been fucking all the dudes”. But my dad was in the audience and he walked up onto the stage as I finished my set and said “I’d like you to apologise to my daughter, please”. Gold
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I dislike the emphasis in this headline. He was ‘convicted in a murder’ passive voice garbage straight into ‘lavish orchestral arrangements’. The implicit narrative of the headline’s structure gives more focus to achievements in music production than the murder of a human being.
BREAKING: Phil Spector, the revolutionary music producer who was convicted in a 2003 murder, has died at age 81, California prison officials say. Spector's used lavish orchestral arrangements on 1960s hits like "Be My Baby" to create his "Wall of Sound."
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Some people feel like when a comedian says literally anything in a public forum, it by definition should be treated as comedy. Like how people always try to eat anything a chef is holding just in case it might be delicious even if it looks like a book or a baby.
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The great thing about getting older is that as you get more blotchy and worn, your eyes get worse, so you have a built in beauty filter when you look in the mirror.
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In the terminator movies, I wonder why they never try to screen out the infiltration robots from the human bases by asking them to identify which of these 9 photos contain street lights.
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Amazing how political disinformation about Australia’s bushfires keeps spreading. And so fast! It’s like these bone dry conditions for the ignition of falsehoods and high winds on the information superhighway fan the flames of wishful stupidity into blazing massive damaging lies
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Refuse loyalty cards for any brand you wouldn't fight and die for when the brand wars come.
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Mate. I’ve done some rough corporate gigs, but standing in a menacing field of precariously thin vases in an empty room while one lady films me on her phone is a gig you have in nightmares.
NO BIG DEAL KENNY G IN MY LIVING ROOM!!! Happy Valentines Day 💋💋💋
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May you be as happy as you look on instagram (a blessing for the modern age)
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I can never tell whether the compli-insult, “you’re too pretty to be a comedian” is ruder to comedians in the implication that we are only doing comedy because we are unattractive or ruder to hotties in the implication that attractive people can’t be interesting or funny.
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Remembering the guy who reached out to me to ask about how to become a comedian, and we had a video call where I told him what to expect for the first five years and after the conversation he sent me a message saying he’d decided not to be a comedian.
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It’s not that when you wear perfume or cologne or whatever and hug my baby that I’m worried about toxic smells, it’s just that then my baby smells like you. And no offense but baby smell is way better than whatever you’re wearing.
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I’m not going to give up on C-Rex as the new name for King Charles.
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I tell you masks and days off are for wimps and spreading disease is for real men. I come in to work dead and vomit black bile in the lobby fountain. I stick my wet fingers in your mouth like a baby when we meet.
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Who called it "getting trolled" rather than "the slings and arrows of outrageous 4chan"
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They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t convince people that they put a man on the moon.
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New Tea With Alice is up! With
@neilhimself
, over mint tea and black english breakfast. Talking about when you can let other people take control vs. the duty to fight for your work, how a bible story nearly got someone thrown in jail, and icky speech.
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Baby shoes never worn isn’t that sad a story. Babies can’t walk, and heaps of parents buy too much cute baby gear before they realise all they need is zip up onesies with built in feet. It’s an implied tragedy of capitalist overconsumption.
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The Last Post has been such a fantastic project to get me through this year, and I want to thank the INIMITABLE
@_iPed
for being my whole spine,
@producerchris
for pumping in oxygen, and all my magnificent guest hosts who helped me laugh and work through 366 days of this year.
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Hello. I am a person in a film or TV drama and I will never eat a full meal from beginning to end.
Hello. I am a person in a film or TV drama and when I’m driving I turn my head to talk to my passenger for far too long.
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Remembering when a young man asked me about how to do comedy and I broke it down in terms of admin and expenses vs incoming, taxes, travel and invoices and then he told me he didn’t want to do comedy any more.
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So here are my thoughts on the rate limiting thing. 🧵 1/601
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The kind of American victory that makes you weep. Like “sick child raises enough money on Kickstarter for own chemotherapy!”
Good morning: Starting today, delivery workers in NYC are entitled to daily payments, tip transparency & restaurant bathroom access thanks to laws championed by
#LosDeliveristasUnidos
@CarlinaRivera
@bradlander
&
@JustinBrannan
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My special, Savage is up now on Amazon Prime! Check it out:
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I’m going to blow this thing right open right now. 85% of lineup shows where it’s a big name comedian ‘and friends’, they’re not actually friends with all the other acts.
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I rarely feel vengeful, but some people ought to go to jail for this, and the whole corporate structure dismantled for parts. Calculated sustained destruction of vulnerable people for money.
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This is phenomenal news. Like, world changing, millions upon millions of lives.
Breaking News: The WHO approved the first ever malaria vaccine, which could save tens of thousands of children in sub-Saharan Africa. The quest for this vaccine has been underway for a hundred years, a WHO official said, and is a "historic event."
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Oh I should have done that thing where I plug my specials or my live shows or my podcasts! I have all of those things available but I didn’t think of capitalising on the surprisingly positive reaction to this tweet. Turns out I’m a terrible PR agent too.
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There has never been a time in human history without scapegoats. We can’t pretend we’re good at this. But we also have so much in the modern world that should let us connect in a way we’ve never been able before. Let’s hope we find a way to become better than our need to fear.
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Just in case anyone thinks I’m smart or sophisticated, this made me laugh like an idiot for ages.
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Interesting fact: t-shirt is actually short for “Tyrannosaurus Shirt”
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You thought this was a tweet about Ai, but I tricked you. It’s a tweet about fuckheads. I don’t actually know much about computers, but boy do I know fuckheads.
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Kurt Vonnegut was much more successful than his brother, Verbose Vonnegut.
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@neilhimself
Life is full of these sorrows. First you lose your baby teeth, then your hip flexor mobility, then you lose your satanic nuns.
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The thing about
#svb
is libertarian tech lords trying to convince people that the banking industry needs less government, then turning around asking for bailouts. Just watching the gods of dramatic irony shoot themselves in the foot with Chekhov’s gun.
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Theory: nobody has ever actually tasted a hot chocolate. First sip burns all your tastebuds off and after that it’s just imagination and sunk cost fallacy.
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The only thing that can stop a bad man with a trebuchet is a good man with a trebuchet on higher ground with better aim and prep time.
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On the bright side, eyes meeting across a room is going to be hot again and the touch of a hand will regain its transgressive riskiness. Regency style romance is about to get a gritty reboot.
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IF a man’s home is his castle, AND every man is an island, HOW many roads must a man walk down before he is truly a man (island) IF he is heading home BUT can’t cross the same river twice? Show your working.
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@daveanthony
@DangerAnderson
@reynoldsgareth
But how would they ever be able to find another guy his age with that set of performance and comedy skills? I can’t imagine there are thousands desperately honing their abilities for a fraction of the chance.
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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, Terminator 2 is a Mother’s Day movie.
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That guy with the face paint and the bison hat is the cover of every news outlet as the photogenic face of the Coup-Club mob, because most of the rest of them look like a line-up of men who've had letters to the editor rejected from a gun magazine for being too horny.
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For a while, maybe because of my background in law I was a go-to-person for mostly younger mostly women in the Sydney/Aus comedy scene who’d had bad things happen to them. To be clear, had bad things done to them.
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I’m seeing a lot of headlines saying he was convicted of a murder, rather than that he did a murder. There’s nothing to be gained by that focus on the conviction rather than on the act for which he was convicted OTHER than to diminish the act of murder into anodyne neutrality.
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Who called it "getting trolled" rather than "the slings and arrows of outrageous 4chan"
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I had a lovely birthday today. Thankyou everyone who sent love!
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Oh dear, there are a lot of earnest people who have misread this tweet of mine. I’m never sure whether to explain or just let people enjoy their righteous anger.
Ugh, Greta Thunberg? If I wanted to worry about the state of the environment I’d get a science qualification and do my own extensive research and assess the terrifying facts, not get some articulate child to concisely lay out the problem in an accessible way.
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As the new year claws its way, dripping, from the dead belly of the old year it’s time to think about the goals you would like to rend from the living flesh of your imaginings and set quivering in the bone-sockets of your trophy-case.
1. be kind
2. eat well
3. more spreadsheets
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I would like to propose a tiered system of fonts; like pen licenses. So unqualified idiots can pretend they know what they’re talking about online, but they have to do it in comic sans.
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Get into it.
@ZaltzCricket
is the king.
We're delighted to announce Andy Zaltzman as our permanent News Quiz host on
@BBCRadio4
! 2021 headlines beware
@ZaltzCricket
!
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@cwh008
@jackiekashian
Sorry to answer so comprehensively but I have tonsillitis and time on my hands and I’m assuming you’re actually interested in the answer rather than just trying to score internet points by telling me I’m wrong to be annoyed.
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Sometimes writing jokes about news satire means looking too much at horrifying world events for too long, picking up a pen and writing, “world war two and world war three? More like world war poo and world war wee???” and then staring into the middle distance for sixteen hours.
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Puns expose the void behind our ontological illusion that words have meaning. They deconstruct the possibility of understanding in a fractal way, unraveling the sweater of reality. This is why people hate puns.
#puns
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm sick of being aggressively confronted with the nihilistic rage of men who feel trapped by their own inadequacies.
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I don’t think we’ll get to a general artificial intelligence any time soon, and it’s because computers are even worse than humans at being generally good. Most people, even “geniuses” are just very clever at like, a couple of things. It doesn’t transfer.
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I will miss Cal Wilson so much. She was so kind and bright, always extending warmth, even to a strange square peg like me. I had it in my calendar to send her love today because I never wanted to get too busy to forget. Sending that love to everyone carrying her memory.
@calbo
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The biggest incentive for me to have the Vaccine? Just getting to know for sure that I’m not a balloon.
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@bepitropakis
I’ll back you. If you need moral support at a gig I’ll come. If you need legal advice I can find you someone to help as well.
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This is what hard work in the satire mines looks like.
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Hey on the bright side, if women become property again, maybe the cops will protect them!?
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Is it really two years since I was first on
@hellobuglers
? It feels longer or shorter. Or something. It’s been pretty great.
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I don't believe in warm salads.
Salad, like revenge - should be served cold.
And eaten only with a fork.
And sometimes it leaves you feeling empty even though you think it should have satisfied you.
Salad is a lot like revenge, is my point.
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The irony of the debate about Americans wishing each other Happy Holidays when their whole culture is pathologically opposed to taking more than like three days off.
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@cwh008
@jackiekashian
Also a side note to the people saying my dad shouldn’t have walked on stage, I control my father’s behaviour no more than he controls mine. You’re welcome to approach him to discuss, but fair warning, he’s *even more* willing to patiently explain his ethical framework than I am.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, shame on the systemic incentives that trick us into repeatedly ignoring our own best interests in pursuit of inherently unsatisfying hedonistic thrills.
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The logic of commercial litigation is “do what you can get away with”. A senior partner once said, when I flagged a clause that was clearly not what the other side had asked for: “that’s for their lawyer to catch”. Fine, but we CAN’T have this adversarial model in government.
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No, I don’t think comedy is inherently masculine. Some joke formats rely on exaggerated or undermined tropes of masculinity as a punchline. If that’s your full breadth of comedy and how people make each other laugh, you have limited exposure to both comedy and other people.
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My life motto? “Never have a philosophy you can sum up in a sentence.”
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Wasn’t the “full spectrum of crayons banned in primary school lest children draw the rainbow” just a satirical story we had on
#thelastpost
last week? Is there a word for art-to-life deja vu?
I blew up my locker in sophomore year when I wanted to get expelled from my shitty Catholic high school. The kids who want out of this Christian school have it much easier: wear the wrong sweater, eat the wrong cake, no explosives required.
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DATING TIP: Avoid spreading a cough by covering your mouth with the crook of your elbow. Make it glamorous by wearing a cape. Hygienic AND sinister.
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