Gareth Reynolds
@reynoldsgareth
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Hand model/Stand up/Writer/Cohost of The Dollop podcast. Go watch my special NOW ‘England, Weed, and The Rest’!
Los Angeles, CA
Joined April 2008
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We’ve finally invaded ourselves. I hope we bring democracy to us.
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At the end of the day Rick Caruso spent 100 million + dollars to get everyone to hate Katy Perry.
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This officer waited for an egg McMuffin that never came. Can you imagine a bigger injustice being committed at a fast food drive thru?
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When Henry Kissinger dies I will say I’m glad and make jokes. Fuck him. Same with McConnell. Fuck him. Pelosi. Fuck her. Same with all ghouls who have ruined the future because of their own self interest. Dying doesn’t mean you should be celebrated if you’re a POS.
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To all those who find this ‘creepy’ and ‘weird’, let me remind you he met her when she was 15. Not so ‘gross’ now is it? Oh it is? It’s more gross? Oh. Uhhhmm. Well.
Dane Cook, 51, marries longtime partner Kelsi Taylor, 24, after six years of dating.
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I wasn't going to watch the inauguration but Toby Keith? 3 Doors Down? You can't see that line up unless you go to a Just Tires opening.
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Dianne Feinstein was a national treasure. In that she was old, ready to be buried, and loaded with a ton of money she stole.
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Hey people who talk on speakerphone in public: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?
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If you got a pet during the pandemic for some company, guess what? You now have a pet. Be good to it. You made a commitment. Stick with it. Don’t take it back to a fucking shelter after taking it out of one.
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Lost my favorite dog ever yesterday. It happened so fast. I can’t really even process how sad it has made me. I knew I’d be sad but it hurts in a place I guess I didn’t know existed. She was the best. Pure being of love. I miss Bug so much. So so much.
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I shall now refer to Covid as the White House virus. Thank you.
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Not sure what’s happening here but it’s exciting and terrifying.
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I wish cancel culture included things like student debt and rent during a pandemic.
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If you switch just TWO letters, Fort Lauderdale becomes Fart Louderdale and I need everyone to know that.
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So Boeing killed that guy and that’ll just be that and nothing will change right? Just want to make sure etc
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Do this more.
Man confronts Ted Cruz at a restaurant, screams at him “19 children died! That’s on your hands!”
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Just wanted to let you all know I bought so much weed for the lockdown that the bank flagged and locked my card.
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Since Jim Breuer is trending here is a dm I got from someone comparing vax proof or negative test to segregation and my reply
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I’d eat a handful of moths for this
If you were offered $1million dollars, but Tate and everything you knew about him was erased from history forever.
Would you take the money?
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I used to love Seinfeld but I have to be honest, it doesn’t age well. I’m watching it right now and the characters are touching their faces, are outside constantly, and there is literally no social distancing. Not at all relatable.
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The Q theory on the Four Seasons fuck up is that there are cameras in that parking lot where Giuliani spoke pointed at a crematorium where votes were burned. And there you were thinking their beliefs were wild and untrue.
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@kenklippenstein
Yeah but the RTs made her look really stupid. You twisted it. She didn’t mean to sound stupid and when you RT’d her, she did. Wait now I’m confused. Anyways she killed her mom a little?
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Dear two offended white people in the third row who stormed out of
@thedollop
last night: your exit gave me validation and became a fun comedic runner. I’m sorry you were so hurt by reality. Anyways, I hope you parked super far away and under a branch of ill birds.
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The vet has informed me that after he sheds one more pound my cat Jose, who is mocked here for his weight daily, will be done losing weight. So we can finally stop thinking he is fat or a whale or a seal etc.
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“Bride or Groomer?” - usher at Dane Cook’s wedding
Dane Cook Is Engaged to Girlfriend Kelsi Taylor After 5 Years of Dating
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This is how you dont do it. Politics aside. This is a masterclass in how it should not be done.
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There is a 98% chance that I will take mushrooms and go and see ‘Cats’. Come at me.
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Praying to Jesus Christo that you fight with someone you love, about something you learned on
@thedollop
, this thanksgiving
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Just two people left for Trump to fire on the series finale of 'The Presidency' Monday 9, 8 Central!
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All you can eat pancakes is still roughly 4 pancakes. Not a deal.
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We need to cap government service at 65. These old dusty fucks keep ruining a future that they won’t see while stuffing their pockets with $$ pimp walking to the casket. It’s fucking absurd.
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Just shot a hole in my tv. Thought my glock was the Apple TV remote.
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And people say you can’t have nuance in your discussions about guns
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If we say ‘bless you’ after a sneeze, I think we need something to say after someone yawns. Something supportive like ‘hey, you’ll get there.’ Okay. My work on earth is done.
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Henry Kissinger was a controversial figure but his passing should be dealt with respectfully. Even when our enemies pass away….we should….bbbaa…we should….bbbbbaahAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA!!!!
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My debate takeaway: I don’t want to enter my 70s. And thankfully, that doesn’t seem like it’ll be an option.
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Remember when we gave Kevin Spacey an Oscar for wanting to fuck a kid? Good times!
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Once again I am filled with pride that our takeaway from ‘Squid Game’ was “we should do this for real.”
Amazon Prime Video is one-upping “Squid Game: The Challenge” with its own massive reality competition show. “Beast Games” comes from influencer MrBeast and will follow 1,000 contestants competing for a prize of $5 million.
Read more ➡️
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100% my next Halloween outfit. I’ll glue the chyron to the hard hat.
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The following is my public service announcement to NOT EVER use
@uhaul
, a company that needs to be undercover boss’d more than any other business today. I’ll be sharing my account of how uhaul put me in real danger and truly made me think my cat would die. Lemme say: I know
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First I’ve heard of it
Today in 1974, all hell breaks loose on “Ten Cent Beer Night” in Cleveland as the Indians are forced to forfeit to the Rangers when a mass of drunken fans storm the field.
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We probably weren’t meant to know each other’s opinions this much.
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“Sorry Mr President but we will have to delay your statement of healing because there is tear gas in the rose garden from the national guard intimidating people at a peaceful protest.”
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Hahahahaaha it’s funny because there is no way Scott Baio has 24 friends
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The president: “I’m leaving it up to the governors to mandate masks.” Governors: “it’s up to the mayors.” Mayors: “it’s up to the people.” The people: “we are fucking idiots!” Corona virus: “YUMM YUMM YUMMY YUMM!!”
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There ain’t enough piss for this grave.
Henry Kissinger, influential and polarizing U.S. Secretary of State, dies at 100
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Shout out to all my friends that I’ve learned are psychopaths during the pandemic.
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If Trump files a lawsuit you know it’s serious. Dude won’t just do that over nothing.
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We are handling climate change about as well as Blockbuster handled Netflix.
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Remember when we hated 2016? Before pedophilia became a partisan issue? Prior to putting children in summer camp jail? When Puerto Rico was a vacation spot? I would suck 2016’s dick in Arby’s parking lot if it would take us back.
#Wehaditsogood
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Congrats to Covid for getting picked up for another season!!!!
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I wish we got the Joe Biden that the right keeps pretending we have.
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What could go wrong?
The last time we had 3 consecutive pinch hits prior to last night was June 4, 1974, also known as 10¢ Beer Night.
In honor of history repeating itself, we are hosting a special 10¢ Beer Night at the ballpark tonight. 😂
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I’m devastated to hear the news about Mitch McConnell surviving.
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I’m starting to think Dr. Seuss wasn’t even a real fucking doctor.
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Trump is sending cease and desists to get this ad taken off the air. Therefore, share the fuck out of it:
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Love the Fyre Fest doc but if you’re losing your mind about sucking a dick for water, bad news. The IPCC estimates around 12 years until that time.
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Ivanka Trump looks like a confused bird that a wizard just turned into a person.
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Thank you to the heroes who tell me what jokes I’ve missed making on
@thedollop
each week.
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I just know somewhere out there is a funny volcanologist wearing a red hat that say MAGMA.
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The guy who threw his shoes at George W Bush should run in 2024
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Name a better system. I’ll wait.
JUST IN: An arena in South Dakota is holding a “Dash for Cash” where teachers get on their knees and fight for one dollar bills that they can use for classroom supplies while spectators watch and cheer. (h/t
@AnnieTodd96
)
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Nice to see Boeing killing people outside of planes for a change
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Can Britney dunk or is Madonna the size of a mini fridge? What’s happening?
Madonna posted a new picture with Britney on her instagram
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@BryanB8
@phall1069
@laralogan
“If you didn’t know I’m an idiot by paying for twitter, allow me to make it super clear.” - You, just now
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“We all wanted to give you $2000.00! We thought you wanted $600!” - All These Fucking Assholes
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Boy all my fiends insisting I create children sure have shut up about it. Weird.
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Imagine the absolute endorphin rush of calling Joe Manchin a “sick fuck” to his face.
BREAKING: we just called Joe Manchin a sick fuck. We humiliated him in front of a herd of Harvard elites. He squared up. We held firm. Barbaric murderer, hideous fiend, he torches humanity and laughs.
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Sounds overdone to me and probably QUITE hard. Way harder than…..the…..research part…..shhhhh
Dream job: the host on the podcast who is there to react to the other host who actually did research
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If memory serves the 1918 pandemic ended when Bill Maher said he was done with it.
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I’ll be honest, I didn’t think the democrats would meet the moment. And they didn’t. That’s it.
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Me after getting an iron rod in my chest so it looks buff.
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Oh so I show up to a bottomless mimosa party pantless and I’m the fucking weirdo. Sure. Okay. Whatever.
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My mother forgot the word trophy and called it ‘a cup of success’.
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Maybe members of congress should get some fucking reusable water bottles.
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I value women in comedy in any capacity. For anyone who needs to hear me say it. I support you and hear you and will speak up when there is bullshit about.
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Why does it feel like the opposite of Christmas morning?
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We all have best friends. No matter what age, gender, race...species...they complete us. My bff is a cat named Jose. He doesn't get how our world works. So in 'Best Friends Forever' I'll be explaining these things and others to him. Join us. Weekly ish.
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