joanna schroeder
@iproposethis
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Writer, editor & media critic. Co-author of Talk To Your Boys @ Workman Publishing. NYT, Boston Globe, etc. Co-author of anti-racism toolkit in pinned tweet.
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Joined June 2011
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Pinned Tweet
If kids are online, they're exposed to violent racism, sexism, antisemitism & more.
Will they know how to handle it when they see it?
Preparation is everything & being able to tell fact from fiction is a social responsibility. Here's our toolkit:
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Do you have white teenage sons?
Listen up.
I've been watching my boys' online behavior & noticed that social media and vloggers are actively laying groundwork in white teens to turn them into alt-right/white supremacists.
Here's how:
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I don't care how you feel about Johnny Depp or Amber Heard - this is a very bad day for women who are victims.
The silence so many fought against for so many years will once again descend over survivors of sexual violence and domestic violence.
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Women married to men LOVE to complain about husbands, but few admit that being married doesn't live up to the hype that our society places upon it.
We are drowned wedding culture & expectations for women to be married all while utterly unprepared for what marriage actually is.
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These are often boys from progressive or moderate families - but their online behavior & viewing habits are often ignored.
Here's an early red flag: if your kid says "triggered" as a joke referring to people being sensitive, he's already being exposed & on his way.
Intervene!
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Disprove this "snowflake" garbage once & for all.
Ask your son:
Who is more of a delicate "snowflake" - the person who gets offended by racism/sexism & actively wants to help end bigotry? Or the person who is offended by people saying happy holidays instead of merry Christmas?
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Look through his Instagram Explore screen with him. Explain what's underlying those memes. Explain why "triggered" isn't a joke, what a PTSD trigger is actually like. Evoke empathy without shaming him.
Remind him you know he's a good person, but explain how propaganda works.
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And NOBODY seems to notice this happening - except, it seems, moms of teenage girls who see the bizarre harassment their daughters endure.
And, of course, moms like me who stalk our sons' social media.
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The second step is the boys consuming media with the "people are too sensitive" and "you can't say anything anymore!" themes.
For these boys, this will ring true - they're getting in trouble for "nothing".
This narrative allows boys to shed the shame - replacing it w/anger.
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And who is their anger with?
Women, feminists, liberals, people of color, gay folks, etc etc. So-called snowflakes.
And nobody is there to dismantle the "snowflake" fallacy.
These boys are being set up - they're placed like baseballs on a tee and hit right out of the park.
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It's a system I believe is purposefully created to disillusion white boys away from progressive/liberal perspectives.
First, the boys are inundated by memes featuring subtly racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semitic jokes.
Being kids, they don't see the nuance & repeat/share.
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Then they're called out for these jokes/phrases/memes by parents, teachers, kids (mostly girls) at school & online.
The boys then feel shame & embarrassment - and shame is the force that, I believe, leads people to their worst decisions.
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Just saw a video of two little girls playing a clapping game and singing the following lyrics:
Don't be polite to men that creep you out (x2)
Don't be polite to them, it's not your job to comfort men
Don't be polite to men that creep you out
And I have some BIG problems with it
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Propaganda makes extreme points of view seem normal by small amounts of exposure over time - all for the purpose of converting people to more extremist points of view.
Use my baseball analogy, if you want. Tell your son that he doesn't have to be anybody's fool.
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Our boys want funny guys to relate to. Give them John Mulaney, Hannibal Burress, Hasan Minhaj, Neal Brennan, Dave Chappelle ... then TALK TO YOUR SONS about that funny shit. Break it down.
(Also give them women comics, obviously, but that's beside the point here).
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One of the most effective Rx psychiatric drugs in history has become nearly impossible for many people to get - and yet the FDA appears to be doing nothing to help remedy it.
It's a "joke" drug to people who don't have this disability - so people think we can just go without it
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Show them that progressive comedy isn't about being "politically correct" or safe.
It's often about exposing oppressive systems - which is the furthest thing from "safe" or delicate as you can get.
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You can also watch political comedy shows with him, like Trevor Noah, John Oliver, Hasan Minhaj. Talk about what makes their jokes funny - who are the butt of the jokes? Do they "punch up" or down?
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Above all, we need to stay engaged & challenge our kids without shaming them.
I'm lucky, my kids are smart and have a smart, critical, progressive dad who isn't afraid to call bullshit when he sees it.
But I've seen SO MANY white boys falling prey to this system. So beware.
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Teenagers have an innate drive toward independence, and once this system is exposed, they're likely to start questioning the memes & vloggers' intentions.
Tell them you are always there, not judging, to look at content & try to spot the lie - no judgment.
Then don't judge!
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This is a message to men in relationships with women
Particularly if you're with a woman over the age of 35
There's something you need to know about your girl:
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Thanks to the commenter who shared this thread by journos doing the real work on this subject.
@Max_Fisher
you're a hero for this.
Now live: Our monthslong project on YouTube radicalization.
As YouTube diverts more and more users down far-right rabbitholes, could its algorithm, in a way, radicalize an entire society?
To find out, we went to YouTube's 2nd-largest market: Brazil.
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And someone suggested this relevant interview with a former white supremacist on how he became radicalized.
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For me, Adderall is a necessary part of my health - not just my work or productivity. It's literally key to my mental health and well-being.
How long will we make light of this situation? These drugs literally save lives and we're just passing the shortage off like it's nothing.
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(Despite it being a public video, I'm not going to share the video bc the girls are too young to have consented to this)
1. Being polite to men who creep us out is a powerful tactic for surviving potentially dangerous men. Yes, sometimes you have to fawn.
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Folks.
Listen.
Toxic masculinity doesn't imply that all men or even masculinity itself is toxic.
It means there's a type of masculinity that is toxic.
That's all.
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@clhubes
The four year old sits in the bathroom with me and just stares lovingly at me. It's impossible to pee.
So I send her outside. She lies down and puts her mouth at the bottom of the door
"Mommy, I'm still here"
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As we learn about Asia Argento being accused of rape, there are a few things to bear in mind:
1. Yes, men can be raped. Erections are often a reflex, as is ejaculation. This is scientific fact.
A man or boy can be terrified/disgusted/non-consenting and still have an erection.
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2. There will be plenty of guys who will creep you out for reasons that don't have to do with them being dangerous.
You don't owe them anything, but being polite but keeping distance/boundaries is a perfectly normal and healthy way to handle this.
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If we were lucky enough to make it to fifth grade unharmed, we quickly learned that bodily autonomy was a myth the first day we wore a bra to school, when boys ran their hands down our backs, looking for a strap
Then they were grabbed, pulled and snapped back - hard
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If you spoke up, shoved the boy back or got mad, it would get worse
Then you were a b*tch or a d*ke or stuck-up. Wh*re, c*nt, sl/ut
And nobody did a thing about it
Generation X and older millennial girls walked through the world utterly unprotected
Worse, blamed for our pain
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The reality of marriage is this:
1. You will not be in love with your husband for your entire life. Maybe 1% of people get that.
2. You will desire other people at some point in your marriage.
3. You will be asked to take on the bulk of your family & home care even if working.
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Women our age - Gen X and older millennials - grew up in a time when girls were almost entirely unprotected from men & boys
We grew up with a distinct sense that our bodies were public property.
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Men, husbands, boyfriends:
Your wives probably felt like prey in a hunting ground
They probably have ways they don't like to be touched or times they don't like to be touched or approached
They may feel a mix of love and shame when you look at them with lust or desire
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@JessicaValenti
This is the beginning.
I ask gossip questions now. "Was anyone rude today?" Or "did anyone get in trouble today?"
Yes, it's lowest common denominator but let's be real, parenting is a dirty business.
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This was a big joke when I was little
Teachers didn't care, parents didn't care, boys did it and bully/mean girls did it
But go get a rubber band, put it around your wrist, pull it away 6" and then snap it back
That's what that is like - except also with humiliation
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What happened if you turned around and said "Don't touch me!", shoved the boy or told a teacher?
It would get worse. These boys love a reaction.
As we got older, walking through a school hallway likely meant your butt was grabbed, poked or slapped a few times every day
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Today's viral thread in article form, for easier sharing. Thank you to everyone who shared vulnerable stories for validating our collective pain. Grateful for all of you. ❤️
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I have an amazing husband and incredible kids and have been pretty happy for these 18 years - but I'm ready to call utter & complete bullshit on toxic marriage culture and the way we expect wives to disappear into their families without any sort of psychological toll.
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Wearing a bra, needing a bra, was enough to justify the act of grabbing your new, first bra and using it to physically harm you - something you are already probably shy about
You did this. You grew that body. You asked for it.
So what happened if you fought back?
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9. You will be seen (by society, your partner or both) as betraying your spouse for admitting that marriage & family don't fully fulfill you.
10. Society will shame you for needing space and a separate identity from your family (or shame/blame you for not wanting kids at all).
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"Why can't you just be cool?" was a big thing I heard in high school when I shoved boys off me or yelled back at them
"Why you gotta be such a b*tch?"
"You're no fun"
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4. You will not be given any tools for how to manage conflict, resentments, jealousy or labor imbalance.
5. You will likely be unable to afford marital counseling by a qualified mental health professional - or personal therapy.
6. Everything in your life will be entwined:
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We should trust our instincts, but we should also know that when we can avoid doing harm it's generally better to find peaceful resolution. Better for us and, if the guy is just socially awkward or something, for him, too.
Be polite but honest, set boundaries, move on.
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Instead of cropping up in people in their 60s or 70s after decades of exposure, it is now afflicting men in their 20s, 30s or 40s, said Dr. Jane Fazio, a pulmonary critical care physician... Some California patients have died in their 30s.
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... your finances, your sex life, your weekend activities, what you watch on TV, your ethics and morality, your career choices, your parenting and ...
7. ...disentangling those things ^^ is utterly unsupported in our society.
8. You will be unhappy being married sometimes.
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Reminder that Daniel Robinson is still missing.
His dad hired his own search team to search where cops said they'd searched.
He found 6 other bodies.
Find Daniel Robinson
REPOST: While we're watching Gabby Petito’s case unfold, please take five seconds to read about Daniel Robinson, a geologist who went missing in the desert outside Buckeye three months ago. His father is still looking for him.
#BrianLaundrie
#gabbypetitio
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11. You'll be surrounded by fellow miserable wives who self-medicate with affairs, boozey weekends away & "wine mom" culture.
12. You will have little to no bodily autonomy and be told repeatedly that if you don't have sex w/your husband he'll find it elsewhere.
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They want to treat us how they wish they could be treated - they want to look at us with lust and desire, an animalistic need at the forefront
But for a lot of us, that doesn't feel safe
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Of course, I have a few friends who haven't experienced any of this ... but VERY FEW.
Life would be profoundly different for women in heterosexual marriages if someone would just tell us all this - and if we stopped making marriage a thing EVERY woman should want.
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...especially when they aren't in that sexy headspace
I know it's hard for husbands of women my age to be rejected - they want to be romantic, sexy, loving
They want to sneak up behind us and wrap their arms around our waists
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People are pretty smart and resilient - if we were just honest about all of these potential long-term relationship issues, we'd probably still get married and have kids.
But we wouldn't expect women to trudge through our roles as wives/moms without support.
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Husbands:
Have you noticed that your wife has phrases, even casually-uttered ones, that you use during your arguments that set her off in ways you never expect?
Have you considered that this might be from unresolved trauma? Trauma she may not even realize she has?
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If you hear this dynamic erupt in your conversations, remember this:
She may have TRIED to be cool
She probably TRIED to be fun
And she likely learned that it made no difference
Those phrases likely remind her of that powerlessness
Can you blame her for being angry?
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(Of course, there are racialized dynamics at play that would change the power balance - generally, a white girl would be protected if a boy of color was the one harassing her)
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A politically neutral podcast episode that is all based on the science of how ADHD medications work - as well as safety and risks/benefits, in case anyone wants actual data on this stuff:
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14. You will be happy sometimes.
15. You will love your husband almost always, even when you're not in love with him.
16. You will be grateful to have a partner in life.
17. You will grow and change
18. You will stay together as long as that growth & change is parallel.
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19. You can try to grow and change together, but there are no guarantees.
20. If you split up, you will see that as a failure, as opposed to a relationship that has run its course in a natural fashion.
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Remember, we were almost entirely unprotected
Our bodies were often viewed as private property
But we are still sexual beings - so we may reach out for you and initiate. We may have been desirous and lusty early in the relationship
Why does that go away?
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Probably because we get out of that "lusty" mindframe - especially as moms - and your out-of-nowhere advances remind us:
Your body is public property (at least in this house, or in this bed)
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Your wife feels controlling, or always negative, or overly critical?
You probably say "Why can't you just have fun?"
"Why can't you just be cool?"
"You're no fun anymore"
Sound familiar?
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13. You will be told that everything you're feeling and doing is normal, and that you should just accept your deep dissatisfaction as a trade for the benefits (partnership, financial security, two-parent home for kids).
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You were likely among the same generation as your wife.
That means you probably use the same turns of phrase as those boys who made her feel unsafe
You may get a tone in your voice that reminds her of the boys who made her feel unsafe
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It'd be so much better if we could simply start saying that not all marriages are forever, and not all marriages need to look the same. If we encouraged people not to assume monogamy is the only way to do marriage & to have the option of keeping finances separate.
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I hope parents of middle school boys know how **angry** many boys are at girls.
I know this is nothing new, but it's important for parents of boys to understand how deep a boy's resentment of girls can run during adolescence.
I'm shocked at the things I hear being said.
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21. Most (ok, some) of this could be perfectly normal, healthy and natural - and we could accept it just fine and live/work through it ... except NOBODY TELLS US.
And so, if we are ever deeply unhappy, we suffer, self-medicate, lock down our emotions/bodies, or cheat.
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My final point here is that I worry this sort of "cute" little rhyme empowers girls to be cruel to boys who have no ill intent toward them.
This is highly nuanced, as lots of teens and grown men do harm without bad intent and we need to hold them accountable.
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As a Michigan native, I cannot express to you what an insult the sight of anyone in a car on Mackinac Island is to us. It's like putting your dirty shoes on someone's lovely dining room table during dinner.
Photos of Gerald Ford, Bill Clinton, Harry Truman and John F. Kennedy visiting Mackinac island
Ford is only sitting U.S. President to visit the island. He used a horse and buggy to get around. (Yes, a vehicle was brought over, but he never used it.)
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IE he's talking to you enthusiastically but not inappropriately. Humor him w/simple answers, then look at your phone or pretend to take a call.
If he's being more direct you can say, "Thanks for the offer, but I'm not interested" which is polite but holds a boundary.
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But if we teach girls they don't have to be polite to guys they don't like ("nerd", socially awkward, etc) that can easily turn into "Ew what is wrong with you, I'd NEVER like YOU, go away" because they've been told they don't have to worry about boys' and men's feelings.
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Enjoy this context
NBD, just hanging out over here googling the group of guys from my high school who beat & raped my friends and whose crimes were kept secret by their victims until the last 36 hours, when one of them murdered his wife in front of their kids.
I know who you are, gentlemen.
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This is where conversations make all the difference.
I'd ask my daughter/nieces:
What makes you think he's creepy? Where was that feeling in your body?
How can we distinguish "dangerous" from "awkward" situations?
Are there ways to handle this that avoid escalating emotions?
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Obviously a totally inappropriate guy needs a strong response, whether it's walking away and informing the manager of wherever you are, telling a teacher/admin at your school/your boss, or saying "you're being a creep!" But sometimes your safest rxn is just to be polite.
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another great source that I read sometime back and had forgotten about. This is a parent's true story. I don't know who they are, though.
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Hopefully everyone replying here reads the entire verdict.
There is also a ruling against your hero, Johnny Depp, for defaming her.
If defamation is how you define who's telling the truth, your guy didn't win, either.
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Just as we knew it would....
‘I Stand With Marilyn Manson’ Movement Grows As Johnny Depp Fans Target Evan Rachel Wood
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@lyzl
The guy who, on a second date, pulled out a small Evian bottle half-full of yellow liquid.
Assuming it was Crystal Light or some such (the 90s) I joked "I see you're drinking your own pee."
His eyes lot up, "You've heard of it! It's actually really good for you."
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NBD, just hanging out over here googling the group of guys from my high school who beat & raped my friends and whose crimes were kept secret by their victims until the last 36 hours, when one of them murdered his wife in front of their kids.
I know who you are, gentlemen.
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Also this 100%
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Thank you to
@hubermanlab
for this episode - it's helped so many people and having the cites on the page is incredibly helpful for those of us who like to get our noses into the data.
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I'd be realistic and honest and tell them they have EVERY right to protect their body, time, space and emotional bandwidth.
I'd explore the idea that some guys are going to like you whom you don't like back. You'll need to gauge the appropriate response on a one-by-one basis.
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@Liz_Wheeler
Explain how your data controlled for who was vax'd vs who had Covid (which is proven to cause myo/pericarditis/blood clots, etc).
We need to know what was vaccine-caused vs what was covid-caused.
Both the vaccine & the virus were new. How do you know which is causing what?
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@TheKanehB
It's ok that you don't understand science - but maybe keep that to yourself, maybe?
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"'Why would adults want to do that?...How could I fall for it?'
...he’d been a pawn in a much larger game. At age 13, suddenly friendless, he couldn’t be expected to understand how he was being manipulated or how technology made it easier for the online alt-right to find him."
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@amandadeibert
Ira Glass's advice to beginners is probably the reason I have a career. I hated my own writing, and Glass insists that's actually a good sign.
Also, I taped something to my computer that said "Write Every Day" based on this and I did.
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Then I'd practice saying things like, "That's so sweet, but I don't feel the same way right now." and "I've told you I'm not interested. Now you're making me uncomfortable. Can you please walk away or stop talking to me?" and practice figuring out when each is appropriate.
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But simply saying "you don't have to be polite to men" is inadequate and potentially harmful.
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@ImaBougieProle
@nori_reed
She's credited in the video on the TikTok. That's what happens when you share a TikTok.
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Tithes
If your church is pushing you to attend in person, there's one thing you can be sure of.
They only want you for your money.
Better you know now
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@benshapiro
"Your truth" is a casual synonym for "your story". What a shame you had to take a beautiful moment and say something inane and poorly thought-out. Don't ever say liberals are who tear us apart again. Geeze.
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@KeenanPeachy
The CDS for these schools is public data.
Here's last year's CDS for Berkeley. Let's get real here. This family thinks the kids of color who got into these schools had C averages bc they're DEEPLY racist & are assuming.
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@TheLizBrownShow
@Writing_To_Live
@LueMfobo
@THISisLULE
I hear you that this has been traumatic for you, but your response makes no sense. Of course that's how it works. I'm sure nobody thinks it's easy and nobody said it was. You don't need to discourage people from reporting abusers.
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Another point I can't stop thinking about : seeing as "fawn" is a common response to threat or trauma, and being polite and pacifying can save somebody's life, my fear is that normalizing "don't be polite" leads to victim blaming those who don't actively push creepy guys away.
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We all thought we were the only ones. Took one of them continuing a string of abuses for decades - culminating in a horrifying murder - for all the others to confide that boys from his group tormented them, too.
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7. Men and boys deserve the right to bodily autonomy. For their "no" to be respected - even better, to have sex proceed only after an enthusiastic "yes" - just like women, and even with female partners.
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You can share your location with me and say "Creep alert, I'm going to go talk to the store manager. Can you call me in five?"
Remind girls they should tell you about any grownup who makes them uncomfortable and that they have the right to say "no" and walk away at any time.
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