Laura Elliott
@TinyWriterLaura
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Writer, maker, chronic illness incubator. Disabled journo. Words in @guardian , @MetroUK , @theipaper , @BylineTimes etc. Rep’d by @PortyLiterary
Sheffield, England.
Joined August 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Decided it was time for a new pinned tweet, so here’s some of the writing I do and where you can read it.
Or: commission me, you cowards! I’m good, honest 😇
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the day i found out that the coffee was so hot it FUSED HER LABIA TOGETHER requiring reconstructive surgery and triggering constant pain afterwards, AND that she was only suing them for the cost of her medical bills was genuinely a day i lost a lot of faith in the world
So sick of men in 2024 making fun of the woman who sued McDonald's for coffee being so hot it melted the skin off of her legs
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amazing that cooking for free at home is typically women’s work, but as soon as you start to make money from it ONLY MEN CAN HANDLE THEIR GIANT MANLY PANS
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one day i’m going to need historians to study how the lie about lockdowns lasting for years has already taken hold when the history is so recent and everyone who was alive in 2020 knows that they lasted only months at a time, stopped & started, & by 2021 everyone had given up
Okay I'm gonna say it
Years of covid lockdowns just made it so that a certain chunk of young people just literally don't have friends.
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are you kidding? 7am - 7pm is an excessively long work day for an adult. why do people hate children so much? this is a sure fire way to burn them out before they’ve even had a chance to live
School day 'should be 7am to 7pm' to break pupils' phone addiction, leading headteacher says
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disabled people not being allowed to work from home in jobs where it was totally possible to work from home
Quote this tweet with some disgusting shit we normalized before COVID
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my most old-fashioned opinion is that we should bring back markers of mourning - nowadays it feels like people can lose the most important person in the world to them & work will be like ‘you’ve had 2 days off we need you back & pretending everything’s fine’
let a bitch GRIEVE
Just learned about mourning stationery and it’s so lovely to be like “every single part of my life is full of grief even the paper I’m writing on”
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honestly i’m entirely on this woman’s side.
the alternative to basic services being non-operational being to ‘go online and download an app’ unfairly excludes a number of the older generation who might not have smartphones as well as people who can’t afford them
Gran fined £160 ticket because she didn't have parking app - refuses to pay
Despite explaining machine was broken, was told she should’ve downloaded the app
“I'm making a stand for older generation who are being excluded because they don't have an app"
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@TitPostLeft
Jesus Christ. honestly sending your kid to school with tonsillitis or glandular fever is just… abusive? they would have a fever! they’re contagious! they’d feel APPALLING. no work will get done! you’re meant to rest when you’re sick! i’d be sending some furious words in response
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i was standing in the garden taking a quiet moment, when from the primary school next door sailed a lone shoe gracefully over the fence and nearly clocked me over the head.
the projectile was followed by a plaintive child’s voice, soft in quiet devastation: oh no, my shoe!
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read a load of people losing it over the phrase ‘identify as disabled’ & i have been viscerally reminded that abled people think that disabled people get told by a doctor that we’re disabled
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counterpoint: what should be one of the most beautiful javelina habitats in the country is being destroyed by herds of golfers
Come along with me on my carnage (I mean course) check this morning. What should be one of the most beautiful golf courses in the country is being destroyed by herds of javelina. If anyone has a contact in AZ state govt that can help us find a solution please pass it along.
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this is very sad but my stepdad came round today and installed a fancy outdoor tap for us and he is a snail and i love him
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‘Women weren’t included in clinical trials until the 1990s. we make up 70% of chronic pain patients but 80% of pain medication is tested only on men.’
i will never stop yelling about this.
doctors know less about us so they tell us it’s all in our head.
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McDonald’s PR campaign (aided by the press) to make her seem dumb and money grabbing when in reality they’d had over 700 complaints already about the obscenely high temperatures they were heating their coffee to which had also resulted in third degree burns was just evil
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Hercule has taken his first exploratory step out of his room
it’s one small step for kitten, one giant leap for kitten kind!
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*whispers* no one survives any illness by sheer force of will power, and talking about individual strength and resilience as a marker of health is severely damaging to everyone, but especially to sick & disabled people, and anyone afflicted with mortality
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having had covid twice now, it’s even more bewildering to me that anyone thinks that ‘let’s just keep letting people catch it’ is a reasonable approach to public health.
some observations from a 2nd infection (🧵)
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there’s a drama playing out in slow motion here tonight
on the left, new kitten Hercule Purrot who has crept down to the living room for the first time
on the right, long-time resident Catticus Finch who is sleeping blissfully and hasn’t noticed him yet
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aware this is incredibly niche but i still regularly exclaim ‘i’m disabled, not a werewolf!’ whenever anything remotely inconveniences me
What's a tweet that's so canonical in your mind you make shorthand reference to it, even if people might not know what you're talking about? (I sometimes just say "uh oh y'all it's gettin' kinda hazy" expecting people to get it)
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i get there’s a huge generational divide but this screenshot is just ‘being mean to grandma’ for no reason & i hate it
have people lost the ability to be gentle with someone’s feelings? it takes nothing to say yes to an inheritance they’ll never know if you kept because… death
This is going to be a sad story for so many families. People are saving mahogany dining sets, breakfronts full of exquisite glasses and plates, and whole sets of silverware for their children who do not want, need, or have a place to put them.
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it’s taken 24 hours of patience and hand feeding, but Hercule Purrot has decided i can indeed be trusted 😭
(sound up for the silliest little purr!)
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i am becoming radicalised again
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important announcement: Hercule Purrot has a bow tie
i repeat: Hercule Purrot has a bow tie!
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everyone give your love to Hercule who has been put back in the cat cage to go to the vets for his first vaccinations
he’s a very unhappy little man! 😭
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lol no this is incredible i guarantee you they’re not short of female interest
so many men fundamentally don’t understand women’s attraction, huh?
And not a single girlfriend was had between the four of them
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it’s a big day for little Hercule as he realises he has a tail
investigations are ongoing
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at what point does the country have to contend with the fact that disabled people are traumatised by having to hear repeatedly that our right not to die is less important than other people’s right not to wear a mask?
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some of you have never been poor and it shows.
imagine thinking that people who earn minimum wage have savings. i mean... just IMAGINE
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it’s important you all know that hercule purrot’s favourite toy is his little green spring and he carries it from room to room all day to make sure we all know it’s his favourite
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you know the old stats that women go to the doctor more often than men & men go only in extremis? has anyone ever actually looked at those stats through the lens of ‘it takes women on average many more trips to a doctor to be diagnosed than men’ & corrected for the imbalance?
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lads i just spent a good fifteen minutes wondering whether Hercule had somehow escaped from my office with the door firmly closed, and, well… no
but i did open the desk drawer to discover that he’d somehow found his way inside there!
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not being a monster i threw said shoe back, to an equally quiet but far less devastated: oh! my shoe!
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good morning Hercule fans!
he’s currently busy at work on the Curious Case of the Trouser Tassels
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@KirstySedgman
what’s most amazing about this is that Giles Coren, who is presumably in possession of his very own penis, seems to know less about them than i, a person who has only ever been in temporary possession of someone else’s penis
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the one mystery Hercule Purrot will never be able to solve: HOW IS HE SO CUTE?????
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lads he’s sleeping like this in my arms i can’t cope
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PSA for abled people: most disabled people have been sick & struggling for many years undiagnosed before they ever get a diagnosis (if they get a diagnosis). during that time they may not think of themselves as disabled, & it’s a process to understand ‘this is now long-term’
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lol i got my account limited for 12 hours yesterday because a man told me that all disabled people should be ‘disposed of’ (apparently not a Twitter violation) and i told him to f*ck himself with a c*ctus (apparently a Twitter violation)
nice normal website you’ve got here
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i am pleased to inform you all that Hercule Purrot is becoming Brave™ and scaling the Forbidding Mountain Stair
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Hercule Purrot has discovered the delights of the television
i enjoy how much it looks as though he’s having big feelings about the sunset
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Hercule would like to say hi to his many fans this morning 👋
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you’ll all be pleased to know that Hercule Purrot was very brave and got his second vaccinations today, where he purred at the vet and was complimented on both his manners and his moustache
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@iconawrites
the people replying mad at you about this see themselves more in the obnoxious tourists than they do in the elderly fruit seller, and i think that’s a prime example of telling on themselves tbh
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a tiny Hercule Purrot sleep to bless your timeline
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hercule purrot has discovered that the radiator is sometimes warm, so now he sits with his little paw hooked over the cover for maximum comfort
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the fun thing you learn when you have a chronic illness is there’s really no such thing as mind over matter in the way healthy people think it. you can to an extent distract yourself from some symptoms, but once you get sick you realise you can’t actually will your body to work
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he has started tucking his tail around his little feets 🥹
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i can’t shake the feeling that Hercule is plotting something
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GCs: we support gender non-conforming women!
also GCs: this woman has had her hair cut short. she must be non-binary (and therefore our enemy)
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the thing i think i find most infuriating about the ‘sick people are faking’ article is that the theory of secondary gains only works in a society that doesn’t exist: one where sick people get special treatment, a welfare system supports us, & sickness doesn’t = isolation
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@PaleoGoth_
yeah absolutely this. it’s like we can’t really comprehend how much bigger than a million a billion is, you know? people’s brains just sort of glide over it!
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as a disabled person i need people not to adopt this as a new euphemism
disabled isn’t a dirty word & this makes my eye twitch
@DrAminaYonis
And I love how they say ‘people of determination’ instead of ‘disabled or handicapped’
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like, one day you’re fine and the next day a doctor says ‘YOU ARE NOW A DISABLED PERSON’ and that’s it! you’ve been told! that’s the end of it!
lollllll
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disabled people are ‘heroes’ and ‘inspirational’ and ‘so strong’, until we ask for accessibility and equal rights and benefits we can actually afford to live on. then we’re scroungers and burdens to the State.
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honestly how am i meant to work under these conditions
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well, one thing led to another this week, so twitter, please let me welcome you (and please give all your love) to the newest and tiniest member of the tiny family
Hercule Purrot, 8 weeks old and precious
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i don’t know what the algorithm’s doing to me today but there’s been a lot of disability hate on my timeline so have a Hercule Purrot pallet cleanser just in case it’s been on yours too
he is floofy!
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@PabloDiablo99
if you spill coffee on yourself it shouldn’t be able to give you third degree burns, hope that helps
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further PSA: there is no disabled registry. we cannot ‘sign up’ anywhere as disabled. we get no slip of paper to tell us ‘you’re disabled’. doctors have probably never told us ‘you’re disabled’. not all disabled people have a diagnosis. not all disabled people get benefits.
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As a chronically ill person you should own the following:
• 1 blanket you’re emotionally attached to
• A seat/bed only you sit in
• 2 shows you watch repeatedly because new ones are too hard
• Deep-seated anxiety around doctors
• 5+ supplements
• A bottomless well of rage
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🎶 he is beauty, he is grace, he will put his feet into your face 🎶
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okay this may be the most conservative opinion i hold but i truly and genuinely believe that as a tattoo artist you sort of have a responsibility not to let someone get a tattoo of a partner’s name ON THEIR FOREHEAD because this is very obviously a terrible awful very bad idea
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a haunted house for chronically ill people, but it’s just endless rooms of doctors saying ‘the tests came back negative’ and ‘do you think you might be stressed?’ until you reach the final dungeon where the DWP assessor hands you an application form & says you don’t look sick
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it often takes many, many years for someone who’s disabled to actually acknowledge they’re disabled, & it’s usually a step towards acceptance & community building that takes a lot of grief and confusion to get to, and will often result in abled family/friends not liking the label
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good afternoon
Hercule is resting the little grey cells
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they are still disabled without a diagnosis, but may never actually reach that conclusion and so ‘identify’ themselves as disabled without one.
even when they DO get a diagnosis, doctors don’t like to ‘label’ you disabled because they see it as negative, so they may still not
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today i got my PIP tribunal decision.
5 years after becoming housebound, 16 months after applying for PIP, and 1 year after they refused it, a judge has granted me the *enhanced* rate on daily living AND mobility until 2022, taking the DWP assessment from 2 points, to 25.
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good afternoon from Hercule Purrot of the amber eyes and fluffy tum
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may i offer you all a sleeping hercule purrot in these trying times
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it is a good day to have a lap full of Hercule Purrot
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managed to get James to take a video of Hercule’s Preferred Cuddle Method
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‘sorry i can’t work today, the government told everyone my life doesn’t matter so i’m trying to cope with the reality that a significant percentage of the country would like me to die so that they can pretend the pandemic is over’
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since so many of you have followed me for Hercule Purrot i assume that you like cats with bad puns for names, so let me introduce you to our existing cat who will be his bossier older sister:
Catticus Finch
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Hercule wishes you all a very merry christmas, from his empire of discarded wrapping paper! 🎄
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you’ll all be pleased to know that hercule very much enjoyed his christmas catnip banana
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A picture of your pet and who they were named after
A picture of your pet and who they were named after
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good afternoon from Hercule
he is becoming a big boi 😭
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i can’t believe the miette tweet was only 2019. i feel as though whole universes have been born, aged and died within the screaming hurricane of time since this first entered my vocabulary and it’s been barely five years
it’s been barely five years
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anyway, if you’ve had one infection are are like i was & thinking ‘ah, natural immunity PLUS vaccine immunity must be making me pretty safe rn’, i’d caution you not to take that for granted, because it seems as though this virus just does what the hell it wants, & it isn’t pretty
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@jsbarbanell
yeah if i’m remembering rightly (it’s been a while since i read the full details) it was a combination thing- the lids of the cups melted at that temp which meant they sort of popped off when they shouldn’t, so when she was startled by it popping off it tipped and spilt 😭
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with this in mind, how can we just be fine letting it keep going? even if you’re healthy, what happens if you get your third, fourth, fifth reinfection? how long do you think you’ll stay healthy for after that, given Long Covid’s prevalence? this is just russian roulette
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Hercule Purrot’s investigations have progressed, to examining the peculiar affair of his human’s drinking water
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we do indeed have to work towards ‘identifying’ as disabled. that doesn’t, however, mean that we aren’t disabled or that we’re ‘identifying’ with something untrue. it’s true! it’s taken us years to figure it out! we’re probably in a lot of pain! but no-one likes to tell us, so 🤷♀️
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Hercule has decided he would like to be inside my baggy top… while i am wearing it
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after coronavirus has passed i’d like all you healthy people to remember that the government made it ‘quicker and easier’ to access benefits for you, so that when they inevitably keep on denying them to disabled people, you understand that it’s a choice they make because they can
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first off, yes i have multiple health conditions so my experience probably isn’t fully representative, BUT, many people have multiple health conditions so it bears making note of, since we do need to exist in the world too
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sure, she doesn’t use the china - fine. clearly it means something to her & she wants to leave it to her grandkids. she’s asking them to pick before she dies so she can think of her possessions existing in her family after she’s gone
just say ‘thanks grandma!’ & shut tf up!
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