Nikki Glaser
@NikkiGlaser
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Following
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comedian with my own reality series “Welcome Home Nikki Glaser?” that starts May 1st on E! I also do a podcast, tour, and host fboy island.
St Louis, MO
Joined September 2007
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Last Seen Profiles
Just a reminder that your favorite breakfast food enjoys gentle baths.
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Theee years ago today my dad asked my mom for chapstick and she handed him lipstick. He didn’t know for about 20 mins and was so touched that I suddenly wanted so many father/daughter pictures.
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If you’re rich and don’t tip at least 20% I hope you never find love
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My ultimate fantasy is telling a stranger, “you need to wear a mask” and as they go off about fake news and hoaxes, I say “oh no, I’m sorry, it’s because you’re ugly.”
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Tonight’s Oscars proved that Hollywood is alive and well, still doing what it does best: protecting and celebrating disgusting behavior! 🎥🎉
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Me for 2-3 days every month for my entire adult life: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Everything is hopeless. I hate my body, skin, and life. I just want to quit everything and give up. Nothing matters. What is going on with me?!”
My vagina one minute later: “blood”
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Watching the St. Louis local news last night, my parents spotted some white men pushing peaceful black protesters into cops.
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The way everyone was on board at the end. Gross gross gross
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Please fav if 98% of your screenshots are accidental bc you’re trying to turn the volume up and need some grip on the other side
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MY FULL ROAST SET ICYMI 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Need a new Taylor Swift album stat. It’s been 3 weeks. This is some bullshit
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No more moms as dates to the Oscars. I’m over it. Bring the girl you’re banging
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He’s a rapist and they know it, but they don’t care. This tweet is not about just one person.
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I do my part to save the planet by mouthing “dumb bitch” whenever I’m behind someone in line who asks for a plastic bag for an item they can easily carry.
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I know it’s not sustainable, but I think the goal of life is to feel whatever Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson are feeling right now.
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What I look for in a partner:
- funny
- works on themself
- has a bunker of canned foods and water somewhere in Wyoming so I can survive for a couple years after the imminent societal collapse brought about by catastrophic climate change
- likes Veep
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You aren’t brave for going out and being social right now. None of us want to quarantine. It sucks. In a couple weeks, you’re going to have to go back and delete the photos of you at that birthday dinner tonight. You’ll be embarrassed you were so naive. Be a hero and stay in.
If you're choosing right now to be out and about at bars or in crowded places, it's because you're sad, NOT fun. Those smiling pictures that you're posting surrounded by other smiling people are only depressing. I promise.
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I just thought about my purse and laughed. Remember purses?! Hahahhahahha omg fuckin purses
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
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Tonight I got ready while listening to Lizzo and it made me take some risks that did not pay off
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I had shortness of breath yesterday and got scared at first, but then realized I had just put on jeans for the first time in two weeks.
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Confused by posts of my friends hanging with their nieces and nephews and other people who they clearly aren’t living with. I want to see my fam & friends so badly too but I don’t do it because I don’t want your old ass mom to die!
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“Yes, he’s a sex criminal, but I gotta say he’s been nothin but cool to me.” - many many people all day every day
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Congrats to everyone with a boyfriend. Shit's about to get lonely as hell!
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I’ll miss Bob Saget so much. He was as kind as he was funny.
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I am floored and inspired by this woman’s bravery. Weinstein was in the room. 👏👏👏
@bellykachman
Keep getting new followers today is it because my tweets are so fire? lol fuck Weinstein and thanks
@ambercrollo
ILY
#mysecondtweet
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Getting my "North Korea just launched a nuke and we have minutes to live" tweets ready:
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When I complain that I can’t run outside sometimes bc I’m scared of being raped:
MEN: Run in a group, carry mace; learn jujitsu!
ME: Maybe stop raping?
MEN: sorry can’t rn
(I KNOW NOT ALL MEN RAPE I LOVE MEN SO MUCH THANK YOU MEN FOR PUTTING UP WITH THIS TWEET IM SO SORRY MEN)
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PETA recently reached out to me to help with a campaign and I. WAS. PUMPED. I’m scanning the email like, I WONDER HOW NAKED THEYRE GONNA ASK ME TO GET!?! 🙋🏼♀️🤞😊
And then I read their idea. 🙁
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I’ll never forget where I was when I found out “it’s looking good but nothing’s certain” for the sixteenth time.
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Girls: I just compared my vagina with my girlfriends in a bathroom & I really recommend it. We all think the worst of ourselves & the truth is: we’re all beautiful. And different! Especially Jana’s whose is really really different and a little fucked up tbh but I do love her tho
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I was the first star voted off
@DancingABC
tonight and I just want to say that facing your fears doesn’t always mean you’ll emerge a winner or even close to a winner, but you CAN make new lifelong friendships, have TONS of fun, and get to strut your very shimmery legs on TV. 💃💕
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Going to shave my head because I want to support a friend who’s going though chemo and also I’m going off the fuckin deep end over here ok? There is no friend
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This feels like the five days between Christmas and New Year’s except endless and terrifying.
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Thought this was a divorce announcement and now feel such such unexpected relief
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s pumpkins stolen off their NYC stoop
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Just talked to a friend who delivers for a couple apps and he said people aren't really tipping more since the virus and I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. Step it up, people. 50% or more and if you can afford it. No excuses.
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Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
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Until VERY recently, I thought the lyrics were “Gonna take my horse to the hotel room/Gonna ride til i can’t no more.” I’m like how is everyone cool with this guy fucking his horse? To be clear, I said nothing. Just bopped my head along to my new fav song about horse fuckin
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GO ALONE. Go alone to comedy shows! It’s the coolest thing you can do. You don’t have to worry about if your friend is laughing. You can just let loose and have fun.
#goalone
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I refuse to let Louis CK ruin one of my fav hook-up scenarios in which a guy jerks off in front of a lady CONSENSUALLY. Sometimes I want you to have a good time, but I don’t want to touch it and I still reserve that right.
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My obgyn went right for the lube during my exam. Slightly insulting. I’m like I can get there. Give me a sec.
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HOW DOES ANY WOMAN SUPPORT THIS MAN? I DONT UNDERSTAND IT. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND.
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Guys who date women much younger than them often say “but she has an old soul”. You never hear, “yeah she’s 22, but she has a really old pussy.”
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Guys with fit bit watches: when you jerk off does it think you walked a mile? bc I just vigorously wiped a refrigerator door handle and mine congratulated me on getting some d
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If I’ve learned one thing from docs this year, it’s to NEVER EVER let an adult sleep in a bed alone w/ your child. I know I can’t fathom what it’s like to be a parent duped by a predator but I think from here on out, it should always be a resounding “NO FUCKING WAY” on this issue
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Skip a meal in his honor today, ladies. It’s what he would have wanted...
Karl Lagerfeld, one of the most prolific and widely popular designers of the 20th and 21st centuries, has died in Paris at 85.
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::takes out Invisalign::
New report suggests "high likelihood of human civilization coming to an end' in 2050.
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The 1.3 seconds of a tiktok vid where a cute couple completes a shitty dance and celebrates by giggling and falling out of frame is more triggering to me right now than ICU footage
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Halloween is not just an excuse for girls to dress slutty; it’s also a opportunity for people who aren’t that funny to think they might be.
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Still processing a boiling rage ever since my plane landed and everyone clapped nearly 2 hours ago.
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I want to be the type of girl who wears layered necklaces but I’m just not and I have to come to terms with that. What kind of girl do you wish you were?
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Chris rock is about to have to move in with his auntie and uncle in bel air
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“Thank you, mothers! Without you we wouldn’t exist!”
- Therapists
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GO ALONE TO COMEDY SHOWS. It’s the coolest thing you can do. You don’t have to worry about the person you’re with laughing or not. Don’t let having friends who are lame or can’t afford tix hold you back! Go alone!
#BangItOutTour
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This is mandatory to watch
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NO EXCEPTIONS FOR RAPE OR INCEST
Passed at Midnight last night, without notice, with observers forcibly removed, by the Tennessee State Legislature.
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I legit love daylight savings bc it means I get to go running outside later in the day without worrying about being raped (as much)
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I need you to know that Adam Levine has his own line of women’s clothing at Kmart.
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I really don’t like this
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There is ALWAYS a spike in suicides after a high profile one. There have been two this week. Let’s all be on alert for our friends and family.
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Guys, I have zero dance experience. I’m legit terrified.
Let’s welcome
@NikkiGlaser
&
@Gleb_Savchenko
to the
#DWTS
dance floor!
Retweet if you’re excited to see them hit the stage🌟
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Not me
This dude celebrated 2020 by entering the friend zone on national television
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It's fucked that women have to take their husband's names and then their names just become their shithead sons' bank acct security answers.
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Had the best time with
@joerogan
today. I left his studio with so much gratitude in my heart and weed in my purse. 🙏💕🌳🌳🌳
I had a great time today on the podcast with the always hilarious
@nikkiglaser
! marshallmaerogan kept getting red rocket boners so we had to take this photo several times.
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Calling bs on actresses baking bread like they’re gonna eat it
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if you stay at hotel and have the ability to leave a cash tip for housekeeping and you do not do it, i hope you get all of your amazon packages stolen for the rest of your life until you just have to start going to the store again
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Hot sexy pix
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A reminder to anyone who had a bad dad or no dad: chances are, you are far more interesting and complex than those who had good ones. 🙏❤️
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Imagine refusing to wear a mask bc you just, like, don’t want to lololollll
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Just went pee in a public restroom and saw that I accidentally left some droplets on the seat, so I took some tp and wiped them off. Has any woman in history ever done this before? Am I a hero? Can I be on a coin?
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This morning on the way to the airport.
Cab Driver: What terminal?
Me: B. American.
[Silence]
Me: That was two separate sentences. Not a command.
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JOAQUIN TALKING ABOUT THE HORRORS OF THE DAIRY INDUSTRY IN HIS OSCARS SPEECH IM WET GOODNIGHT
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Because most of you were never taught that it’s okay to feel
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.
@AnimalPlanet
are you guys gonna have a Puppy Inauguration that we can all watch instead?
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If you take Uber or lyft and don’t at least throw your driver a $1 tip, then I hope every ride share driver you ever have for the rest of your life talks to you the entire trip and won’t take a hint that you don’t want to talk even when you put headphones on or weep quiety
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Intermittent fasting is adult anorexia 🤫
Please quote tweet this with your most controversial food opinion, I love controversial food opinions
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